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I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - Printable Version

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I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - Eagle - 02-08-2018


And yeah, by old, I mean I do have grey hair now.  For those whom were around in the online zoo community of the 1990s, yes I'm /that/ Eagle.  Warts and all.


For those whom weren't ... hey there, hi there, ho there!  I'm one of those "spiritual zoos" entranced as much by emotional bonds as anything.  I had a wonderful relationship with a German Shepherd whom was, for several years, my wife for most intents and purposes.  Its been many years, I have direly wanted another canine companion, but have struggled to solidify the financial resources to responsibly care for one.   I am, at very long last, on the right track and my goal is within reach.


I am interested in discussing philosophical, psychological, ethical and moral perspectives on zoophilia that I fear are not considered enough.  Yes, it is a sexuality, but given the terrible taboo, its important to set and follow our own code and guidelines that are easily ignored since the laws and norms of general society do not fit for us.



I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - silverwolf1 - 02-11-2018



Hello and welcome Eagle. You'll find a few other of the old crowd here as well.




sw




I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - Ren Houk - 02-25-2018



Welcome, Eagle.  I would be curious to know how your thinking has changed from when you de-lurked in 1997 (see below Eagle Eyes#1) and now nearly 21 years later:




Issue #1:  Monday, March 31, 1997




In this issue:

[Intro to Eagle Eyes | My plan to gain acceptance | My True Story | Flames]




Warning!  This document contains content of a graphic sexual nature

Read no further if such material offends you.




LEGAL COPYRIGHTS I HOLD TO THIS DOCUMENT: Absolutely none!  I don't want to reveal my identity, so as yet I have no way of charging anyone.  Besides which, this is so non-professional I wouldn't get a penny for it even if I did and most zoos don't seem to be financially well off anyway.  In other words, copy this and re-distribute it to your heart's content.  Put the whole thing on your webpage.  Think of it as freeware.  I only ask the following of you, on your word of honor:




That absolutely nothing is changed in the document

That you make sure you are not sending this document to a minor

That you don't send this to some agent out to get me!

That if you *are an agent* you realize I'm no threat and don't send James Bond after me!




I honestly don't believe in those vile militia-generated government conspiracy theories.  I don't believe there are any aliens at Area 51.  I'm just plain and simple paranoid, okay???!!!  ;-)




Just in case anyone is interested, this document (and its HTML counterpart) were created using Microsoft Word for Windows, Version 6.0.  The above photo was "borrowed" from the Microsoft Photo library included with their MS Office 4.3 CD (nobody tell Bill Gates, please!).  The title and caption were added and smoothed using Paint Shop Pro, an excellent and powerful bitmap image editor supporting a wide variety of image formats.  The "zoo graphic" at the very bottom of this document was also pieced from the same photo library [I used PS Pro's circular-capture feature and did some manual edge touch-ups to put the zebra and cheeta eyes in the center of the O's ... I think it's kinda cool lookin', don't you? ;-)] using Paint Shop Pro.  Unfortunately, I accidentally erased both images and they are gone, so the only copies left are the bitmaps stored in this Word file.  I will work on creating replacements for them, however, so don't fret if you really like them!




Introduction To Eagle Eyes & Zoophilism




If you just stumbled onto this newsletter and don't know what it's about and are sensitive about discussing unusual sexual desires, read no further; this document is not for you.  I can't say this enough, folks.  I sincerely hope there are a few non-zoos reading through this to help you understand who we are, but I do not want anyone to read through this who is offended by graphic sexual descriptions and remarks.




Special note to non-zoos reading this document:  One of the first things non-zoos must realize is how openly graphic zoos are with each other; we do not consider sex to be perverse or evil.  We are usually very private about our zoophilism with non-zoos, but hide nothing and make no pretenses with each other.  If you are a non-zoo and, after reading all that, feel you can handle the content of this document, I applaud your maturity and hope you gain something from this.  I would only be too happy to answer you e-mails, but please be sure to mention you are not a zoo.  I apply no label to non-zoos, but I prefer to be a bit more private.  I will answer any question put to me, though, no matter how personal -- I assume you know what you are asking and expect a personal response.  When I began writing this document, I intended it to be for zoos only, but that would partially defeat the purpose.  After writing most of the material, I decided to make it open to anyone interested, zoo or otherwise.  I must therefore apologize, for much of the material here is "zoocentric."  I'll endeavor to avoid that completely in my next issue, okay?  :-)




What is zoophilism?  Summed up, it is a very rare sexual and spiritual orientation:  toward non-human animals.  Zoophilism is not bestiality.  Bestiality is a pure lustful rape of animals, without their consent.  We zoophiles (or zoos, the preferred term) share an immense respect and love for our animal partners that extends far beyond simple lust.  We never force sex on an unwilling partner.




As with many zoophiles, I used to be ashamed of myself for my desires.  I thought I was perverse and kept my feelings to myself.  I "crawled inside my shell" so to speak, shutting out all of society and my own feelings.  Coming to terms with being a zoo was not easy.  Only very recently have I found kinship with others and learned who I really am -- a zoo.  It is no more to be proud of than being a man or a woman; it is simply who I am.  I lead three separate lives whereas most "non-zoos" only lead two.  I have my public life in which I smile, say hello, and am polite; my semi-private life, in which I speak some of my true feelings but nothing about being a zoo; and my zoo life, in which I veil nothing and hold no secrets between myself, my partners, and kindred zoos.  I hold no private thoughts from my kindred zoos and reserve no feelings, and they do the same for me.  I put sensitive things delicately (as yet, I have not grown angry toward any other zoos, but I have received and responded to e-mail from a zoo who was extremely enraged, though not by me; see my special note in "My Plan To Gain Acceptance From Non-Zoos", but I have no veil for even my most private, reserved thoughts.




Welcome to Eagle Eyes, a magazine filled with the endless ramblings of Eagle, a zoophile.  It is a magazine for zoophiles and friends of zoophiles.  Just like being a zoo, this magazine is absolutely free.  I will post it on a.s.b. whenever I get around to updating it; if you feel you have missed the latest issue, e-mail me and I'll send you the most recent copy available (I plan to save every issue I write ... since I still live with my parents, I carefully save each one as a password-protected Word 6.0 document).  Please specify whether you'd like the HTML version (which requires, of course, that you have an HTML-capable e-mail software) or the Word 6.0 version (that's the pre-Window '95 version of word, but it should work in Word '95 or '97 just fine).  Note that the Word version has no "jumps"; the links are still there as blue and underlined, but it's just text and not true hyperlinks.  Also note that the Word file version is protected by a password (this is because I have them all stored on my parent's computer at home and I don't want them reading it and finding out I'm a zoo).  The password is simple to remember:  zoophile (all lowercase; it is case-sensitive).  I see no reason for it to ever change, for my parents ever figure it out they know who I am anyway!




For those of you who haven't e-mailed me, I am "Eagle" (of course).  My special zoo e-mail account is [email protected] (short for anonymous zoo, not "a non-zoo").  The uppercase letters are not strictly required, of course.  I probably bore a lot of people with my long e-mail ramblings, so I put some of those long messages in here.  I will still probably e-mail long messages for as long as I am on the 'net, but I will try not to repeat my stories/articles/"ramblings" from Eagle Eyes in my e-mails.  ;-)




For those of you who have e-mailed me, I sincerely apologize.  I didn't even have enough time to send everyone a message saying I would be gone for the rest of March (I spent forty minutes writing and sending one e-mail!).  I surf from a college computer lab, and we went on spring break, and the lab was closed.




So what is "Eagle Eyes" all about?




I have been thinking strongly about all the helpful, very friendly words of support and wise advice I have received from my kindred zoophiles.  Everyone was so kind and warm, I wanted to do something for others to make up for my lacking any experienced words of wisdom.  I wanted to start something for my fellow zoos..  This is that "something." I do realize that posting in a.s.b puts these personal stories and ideas "in the open" so to speak and that this will likely make me a target of painful flames, but I feel it is worth the risk.  Thus far flames have not been all that bad; I only received one in fact, and after humiliating the poster by re-posting their flame at a.s.b., I have not received another response [I did send them an e-mail back congratulating them on their excellent grammar and helpful response :-) :-o :-()] from them.  I have, however, received a total of twenty positive posts to that one flame.




I realize many are hurt by these flames and the spam that invades our corner of the news, but we must not let it break us.  I am a newbie zoo (not even one year now since my first encounter and only having discovered I am not alone a few short weeks ago) and am still unaccustomed to how completely open other zoos are with me, even on first e-mails.  It is not uncomfortable, but it will take some acclamation on my part.  I think of fellow zoos as a part of my own mind; I hide nothing from fellow zoos (except my true identity which I hope everyone understands), but the feeling is still somewhat strange and new to me.  I treat other zoos as I would my zoosexual partner:  as equals and with absolute trust and honesty, since all fellow zoos have treated me the same.  Please read my article on Flames -- hopefully my thoughts will be useful in some way.




As I said, I received many responses to my posts.  While quietly observing the a.s.b. board for a few short weeks before I made my first post, I felt so cold and alone.  The area was infested with spam and pleas from bestialists -- not the friendly zoo-types like the sort whose websites I found and visited.  I stumbled upon them, really ... until I did, I had never heard the term 'zoophile' or 'zoosexual.'  I now realize why so few true zoo posts are made on this board:  fear.  The same fear that keeps us in the shadows, always afraid of being discovered, the fear we shed when we have a chance encounter with one another.  It must truly be the deepest fear, for when we drop that fear to talk to fellow zoos, we drop all our 'shields' and 'shells' we put up against even our closest non-zoo friends.




 




[Intro to Eagle Eyes | My plan to gain acceptance | My True Story | Flames]




My Plan to Gain Acceptance From Non-Zoos




I sincerely believe it is possible to remain safely anonymous (especially if you use Rocketmail as I do, not giving them a true name) and still ask for acceptance on the web, but we must be very cautious.  It is more than fear that keeps us from advertising our zoo experience with non-zoos; it is our shield of our own private lives.  We share a special kinship with each other, but only to each other ... and I strongly feel it should always remain that way, even when we gain acceptance from non-zoos.  I have heard several zoos comment on what I strongly feel myself:  we cannot advertise to gain membership, nor should we try.  Becoming a zoo is something one does with no encouragement.  It is simply the true destiny for about (if numbers I have are received are right) .001% of people.  That leaves 99.999% of people whose destiny lies somewhere else.  Zoophilia is not just a way of life, it is a major part of who we are.  If someone were to somehow 'cure' us of our zoophilia, we would not be the same.




If nobody minds, I'd like to relate a non-zoo story revealed to me from a (non-zoo) friend that puts this in perspective.  I'll leave him safely anonymous and refer to him as 'Raymond' (not his true name), but I hope he someday chooses to share his story with the world.  Raymond was black and poor (hey, what am I saying -- is still black and still poor!), and as a young teen with nothing to do and no hope, fell into the trap of gangs, drugs, crime, and violence.  He spent time in jail, and saw many of his friends die from violence.  He met a girl from across the country visiting his hometown, and fell in love.  She went back home, and he decided to leave his hometown to pursue her.




When Raymond caught up with her, he thought she was his ultimate destiny, but things fell apart after a few months.  They went their separate ways.  He had already bought a house, but was considering moving back home when he noticed kids playing on the street.  Not being rich, of course, he was living in another poor neighborhood.  He thought back to his life as a youth, and didn't want the same fate to befall the children, so started talking with the kids.  They said they had nothing to do, no money to do anything.  He realized what path they had been forced on and decided to change their lives.  He challenged the kids to come up with a list of things they wanted to do, even if they cost money.




They did, and some of the things they wanted to do was to go to a (somewhat expensive) water amusement park and to visit a zoo, but they didn't even have the money to do that.  So, Raymond organized them to wash cars and do other fund-raisers to get the money to go; they did, went, and enjoyed it all the more because they had worked at it.  A person from the Safe Streets program heard about Raymond and contacted him.  He suggested Raymond organize the kids to help clean up their neighborhood and surrounding parks, etc.  Raymond followed the suggestion, and the kids loved it!  They were doing good, keeping out of trouble, and enjoying themselves doing it!  It worked out great.




I met Raymond in my Journalism class.  He was quiet, always keeping to himself.  I knew of none of this.  We were assigned to interview each other's life stories, and he related all of this to me.  (Mine was very boring by comparison, it was all before I had discovered my zoophilia, and as many of you fellow zoos probably know yourselves, we wandered aimlessly before discovering our true selves -- and even if I knew about being a zoo, I certainly didn't want it exposed as a possible news story!).  I asked him several questions as a part of the interview, and one of the questions I asked was what would he change about his life if he'd change anything.  He said:  "Absolutely nothing."  Guess why he didn't say he would have stayed out of so much trouble as a youth.  He told me if he hadn't done that as a youth, he would never have stopped and talked to those kids.  He knew his destiny lay in flying across the country, but it wasn't with that girl.  Fate works in funny ways sometimes, doesn't it?




Anyway, the moral of the (true) story is:  if it is scientifically proven that zoophilia is the result of a genetic anomaly or some disease or disorder or something, so what?  It is a part of who we are.  Our lives are not at risk because of being zoos, and we risk no one else's lives [except the pocketbooks of greedy developers wanting to destroy habitats of the creatures we love or poachers!  :-)] nor infringe on anyone else's rights.  I have yet to meet an ill-willed or unkind zoo.  In fact, in my own personal life, I have noticed myself becoming far more sociable with my non-zoo friends, family, and coworkers since I have discovered my zoophilia and accepted it.




So my plan:  we should organize to visit frequented general-news sites.  Give no details about our lives, just enough to explain what being a zoo is and why we should be accepted.  Calm, rational words, with no graphic details of our experiences or anything.  And we can still retain anonymity.  We may get flamed, but so what?  Flamers are all bark and little substance.  As long as we remain anonymous, there is nothing flamers can do ... except address our points and try to debate them.  And if any non-zoo somehow manages to raise a valid point against us, we will respond to it in kind:  with rational answers addressing their point.




Anybody with me?




Here's a special note, added at the *very last minute*:




Last night (Thursday, April 4), received an e-mail from a zoo friend (I'll call him Steve ... that is neither his true name nor his true handle; I am carefully avoiding trying to embarrass you, 'Steve') who was having an on-line relationship with a non-zoo homosexual.  From what he told me, they talked to each other about plushies -- sexual relations with toy animals.  His friend became uncomfortable and stopped sending him messages, then telling Steve a few days later that he wanted to break off the relationship because he felt uncomfortable.




Although he never told me, I can only assume they had a friendly on-line relationship for quite some time.  Steve was understandably hurt, and e-mailed me about it, saying how pissed off he was at his friend.  Now, I myself have been known to lose it once in awhile, and I've had more than my fair share of out-of-control rage toward others, but I've had to learn to deal with it.  With my newfound zoo kindred, I have a lot of people I can turn to.  I'm very glad "Steve" turned to me before doing something he might regret.  I told Steve he should let himself calm down and think about his friendship.




Folks, no matter how hard some of us try to avoid it, we are all human.  We have very complex emotions and unlike our wonderful partners, we don't deal with them well.  I don't have to tell my kindred zoos that all animals are inherently open and honest; they do not hesitate to display love, anger, fear, or pain.  We humans have to be less intelligent about our emotions, though ... we bottle them up and let them tear us and our relationships apart.




I think we zoophiles, as a group, are far more emotional than the average person.  Those emotions run deep, and we must deal with them.  I'm no psychologist, but I know what a driving force emotion is in my own life.  Until I found fellow zoos, I thought nobody would ever be able to understand the feelings I have ... not so-called psychologists or counselors or my own parents.  I welled up all of my emotions until I exploded on several occaisions (see my True Story).  I didn't feel close enough to anyone at the time to release my emotions to.




I do now.  I feel extremely close to all my fellow zoos.  If I ever have a strong emotional episode, I know where I can turn to.  Folks, I hope all of you realize that too.  Turn to me.  Turn to your best on-line zoo friend (that you aren't having a spat with!).  Let it all go.  You (if you're like me) already love giving away all your feelings toward animals to other zoos; why not your other emotions too?  We are all closer to each other than any other people.  Not even married couples and best friends are as close as we are to each other.  Use that to your advantage.




And I know I don't have to tell you how to react when someone turns to you for help.  We all have similar difficulties, we all have deep feelings, and I'm fairly certain we've all been hurt at one time or another.  Don't just tell them the tired cliches that things will work out for themselves.  Help them, try and balance out their feelings and get them through whatever crisis it is ... be it hate crimes or a relationship that went sour or someone who was discovered and didn't want to be.  Make sure they don't do something they might regret later.




And to 'Steve':  I truly hope things will work out for you and your friend.




I'm no Dr. Ruth, and I wasn't planning to add anything like this when I started writing Eagle Eyes, but after seeing how hurt Steve was, I've decided to add a "Dear Abby"-kinda section for the next issue.  If you would like to submit something, just put "Problem I'd like resolved in Eagle Eyes" in the title.  I may respond personally or turn to some old pros for help if I don't have a clue.  And remember to turn to your best zoo friend, too, if it's something requiring an immediate response.




Well, now that I've gotten that off my chest, let's move on... [can't wait to get a bitch in heat on my chest! ;-)]

[Intro to Eagle Eyes | My plan to gain acceptance | My True Story | Flames]




My True Story




This is basically a re-post of my earlier story, but it is not the exact same text; this is greatly expanded and is basically my biography.  Perhaps it is not wise to post it in a newsgroup, but I fear no flames (read Flames).  Non-zoos reading through this news article:  Warning:  this does describe sexual acts in graphic detail.  Every bit of this story is true (except I have changed names to protect people, and some of the dates/times I'm not too sure about; I have a poor memory)




My childhood was rough.  From early on, people recognized me as being different.  My kindergarten teacher described me to my parents like this:  "(He) marches to the beat of his own drum."  Not necessarily a good or bad thing.  It had its good and bad points; overall, probably leaning toward the bad (but not too much).




Because I was different and didn't follow the accepted rules of my peers, I played with girls at an early age.  I was often called a sissy (and sometimes outright a girl), but I heeded advice and ignored those people.  In my later grammar-school years (mostly after I changed schools after the third grade), those comments changed to being a nerd, a geek, and a certain unflattering reference to a movie in which the main character shares my name and is more than slightly odd (no way in hell, pardon my tongue, am I giving away the title or my name here).




I fooled around with numerous partners in my pre-pubescent years, both male and female.  I never considered animals.  I even experimented a couple times with my younger sister, and we were caught once by my parents ... it was the one beating I'll remember no matter how fuzzy my memory gets!  I tried once more with my sister during puberty, but ceased when she started having periods (she was a year younger than I).  Many people say my sister and I were reversed:  I, being quiet and shy [you wouldn't believe it now, would you?  :-)], should have been the girl and my sister, being the tomboy, aggressive and loving frogs and snakes (my interest in animals had yet to develop), should have been the boy.




Despite my reputation as a nerd, I was doing miserably in school.  I would get bored in my classes because they weren't challenging me.  My grades contrasted each other greatly:  I received a great many A's and F's, but few in between.  This continued, unfortunately, throughout all my schools, and is only now in my final quarter in college beginning to change.




I detested violence, and was often on the receiving end of bullies.  I discovered I had an unusual way of handling things compared to others:  I ignored aggressions initiated by others until I reached a boiling point and exploded.  After being bullied and teased for years, I 'exploded' several times toward the end of grammar school.  I, never being an athlete and admittedly a bit of a weakling, knocked out a kid completely when he was harassing me from behind.  I grabbed him, flipped him completely over my head, and slammed him hard on the tile floor.  He must have hit his head or something because he was out cold.  I have never taken any self-defense or martial arts classes; it must have been pure adrenaline, I didn't even think about doing it.  Besides that, I think I threw a total of three punches in grammar school, all of them aggravated, but one was by the most meaningless of teases (it was the straw that broke the camera's back).  I sincerely regretted doing all of these, not because I got in trouble, but just because I hated harming anyone.




I nonetheless withdrew into several deep "shells" against the outside world, and by junior high, I was sent to numerous school counselors.  At the time, I thought it was "normal" to see counselors; it was all arranged by my parents and teachers.




The end of grade school was, of course, not the end of the bickering.  Junior high was far worse.  The most intense incident took place in band.  A girl I had never met smashed a flute over my head on the way out of band class ... no warning, she just came from behind, and wham-o.  A flood of other sevies (yes, that was when I was a "sevie" -- seventh grader for those of you who missed the experience) was there before I knew it.  The girl was charging at me again; I gathered she was trying to prove herself to someone by beating up a nerd or something.  I knocked the flute out of her hands as she tried to swing it at me again, then swung a fist hard at her.  Unfortunately, it landed square in her breast (believe you me, it was not intentional and I was only trying to get her to think twice and give me time to leave).  She was actually bigger than I was, but she was knocked backwards.  I grabbed my books and left with due haste.  I got hell when I got home; apparently the girl had told the principal and the principal told my parents.  They insisted that I should never hit a girl under any circumstance; I simply said, 'Oh, but it's okay to hit boys?'  The issue was dropped surprisingly quickly; my parents knew I didn't pick fights (though I did keep it going with my sister occasionally).




That was the last fight I'd been in (except with my sister).  Bullies turned their attentions to each other; it was no longer macho to pick on a nerd and a wimp like me.




In that very same band class, I met a good friend who I'll call Jacob (not his real name).  We actually had a mutual friend and had seen each other in band for quite some time without really knowing each other.  The mutual friend had mentioned something about Jacob earlier, but I had no idea it was this 'Jacob' (his real name was fairly common, and I had a tough time remembering names anyway).  We were both surprised to find out we were the mutual friend's "other friend" [uhhh... peter piper picked a peck of ... never mind! ;-)].  We became very close friends.  He spent the night at my house one night when I was 14 or 15 (I think), and we stayed up late playing Nintendo well after my parents went to bed.  We lied through our teeth to each other about exploits with girls and what-not.  We turned off the Nintendo and sat in bed talking.  I can't remember the exact words, but he said something like "Do you want to screw?"  I thought he was joking, so I 'kidded' him back:  "Sure, let's do it!"  I said, and jokingly crawled into bed with him.  I was surprised to find he wasn't kidding when I felt his hard cock on my underpants.  "Come on, strip," he said (again, or something to that effect), so I did.  It was my first true sexual encounter (beyond just experimentation).  I had fooled around homosexually as a younger child, but other than that I was completely inexperienced.  We basically sucked each other's cocks individually, then 69'ed, then had anal sex with each other.  It hurt somewhat with him, because his cock was short but fairly wide around.  I, on the other hand, was somewhat long but skinny.  He talked me into French kissing; it was the first time I had ever tried it.  I was repulsed by the idea at first (how could I be; I had been sucking his cock?  But, I was), but liked it soon and well enough.  I cummed for the very first time in my life later that night, right in his mouth, but he did not enjoy it (he did not do the same to me). We fucked around until about four in the morning, when my father's alarm clock went off across the house.  We quickly donned our underwear and I crawled back down quietly and into a sleeping bag.




We made a point for him to sleep over often, without our 'mutual friend' (neither of us had a sexual encounter with him, and neither of us wanted to come out to anyone).  We were never caught; to this day, my parents have never suspected.  Unfortunately, about the time I was 16 or 17, Jacob's mother (he had no father) found a good job a long ways away, and they had to move.  We stayed in touch, and managed to get two more encounters, but the relationship faded away.  During the time we were together, I started masturbating.  I didn't do it all that often, but I did it to pass the time when we weren't together.  I began having odd fantasies, too -- often with him, but sometimes even more bizarre.  I fantasized about having sex with animals -- but in all those dreams I, too, was an animal.  The dreams were not cartoon-like, but the animals had human-like qualities and spoke (I can't remember anything specific they said).  I dreamt about horses mainly.




My life was going nowhere.  With my poor grades, most colleges were not within reach (because I didn't qualify for scholarships and my parents were [and still are] in debt).  I took a couple tests like the SAT and ACT, but didn't fare all that well.  On a spur-of-the-moment kinda thing, I took the ASVAB.  I thought I'd score low, especially when seeing the questions about auto-mechanics and noticing the English, science and math questions were easy and meant to not be the focus.  Surprise, surprise, surprise (in a Gomer-Pyle kinda voice):  I scored a 96.  40 is passing for most services; 50 is considered pretty good; 70 was downright smart.  A score of 96 was very rare.  I was flooded with phone calls (in today's terms I guess you'd call it megatons of spam) from all the services.  Again, on a spur-of-the-moment kinda thing, I signed up with the Navy.




I'll e-mail the details of my short military experience if anyone's interested, but here is the very condensed version of it.  I went to boot camp at Great Lakes, IL; I did okay at first; I got sick; had my first true heterosexual sex with another recruit after standing watch at night (both of us were); Got sicker (not because of the sex); began falling behind in basic training; got sent to basically a remedial military procedures unit; failed that; blundered my way around and got sent to separations; had some really bad experiences there and was sent home.  Before joining the military, I didn't much care for my family, thought I didn't need them.  Things changed big time for me during boot camp; I know realize how important my family (including my nagging sister, who, [Pyle voice again] Surprise, surprise, surprise, joined the Marine Corps and enjoyed the hell out of it despite knee surgery and having an ovary removed after a cancer was discovered).  Speaking of my sister, as I write this, she is flying home for a few weeks.  She works as a graphics artist somewhere in New Orleans, Louisiana (she fell in love with the Cajun culture).  Basically it means she sits around all day on a $5000 computer the USMC gave her (she gets to keep it even if she leaves the Corps) and draws logos and things.




Anyhow, back to the story of my life.  I was incredibly depressed after boot camp (okay, technically speaking, I got depressed in the middle of boot camp ... it was discovered months after my discharge by a civilian doctor that a rare but easily detectable and treatable systemic infection caused the depression but the military docs somehow 'missed it', [Pyle again] surprise, surprise, surprise!), seeing nothing in my future.  My parents used some money they had set aside to put me through college (which I am now approaching the end of my two-year degree).  I hadn't learned to drive yet (my parents couldn't afford driving school at the legal age in my state of 16).  Getting the license was easy, but getting a job was tougher.  Things were looked incredibly dim for me; I thought I'd end up flipping burgers for the rest of my life when I wanted to work with computers.




I had no sexual activity other than masturbation for the longest time.  I had never been on a date, and I wasn't about to embarrass myself by starting out then, and I really wasn't interested in girls, since, pardon me female zoos, most of them around here are complete airheads.  I had received many flirts in high school ... apparently not everyone was turned off by my uniqueness.  I never took any of it, though.  The fling in Boot Camp was mutually just a fling.  We were both trying to relieve ourselves of the incredible pressures welling up from so much discipline-enforced repression.  I never heard from my friend again; I called his last-known phone number, but got the 'wrong number' thing ... several times, so I finally gave up.  I didn't want to risk advertising my bisexual feelings by asking around, so I just kept myself from having sex; I thought it would be no big deal.  I lied to my friends about it, but the truth was I was hungering for something.  I began to have intense and strange fantasies again, but this time I was human and the animals were as animals truly are -- communicating in their own way, not in a human way at all.  The fantasies sickened me from all the taboos and shame I had learned were on bestiality.  I couldn't help it; I began to get depressed again thinking I was destined to be some deviant who would be locked up for life.




I began to cave into my fantasies a little at a time.  I would look for animal shows on PBS or the Discovery channel, really looking for animals mating.  I found a few, and let myself get caught up in the moment, running to the bathroom with the images in my mind and masturbating.  I began masturbating almost every night.  My mind swayed from guilt to feeling like I was bound up tight and needed to free myself.  I had always been one to give pets attention, but I became even more attentive.  I would sit for hours, petting our three cats (sadly, two now; one died of old age and her littermate is nearing that stage as well).




The summer before last, we had new neighbors move into a new house across the street.  They brought with them a medium-sized male dog they had picked up as a stray where they lived last.  He was very friendly, and giving him some of the best backscratches he'd ever received made him come to me for attention as much as them.  When others were around, I would resist his attempts to lick my face, but in private I would hunker down to let him do it, but I still prevented myself from even letting him lick my mouth.




Last spring (or so), I finally caved in to my true feelings.  I waited for the right moment, when his owners were away and my parents were too.  He approached me, and I let him follow me on the walkway to our house.  Instead of going inside, and letting him take his usual spot to rest after following me outside the door, I turned and opened the door to the garage, inviting him in there.  I followed him, and closed and locked the door.




At first, I just gave him backsratches, but I moved my hands to his belly and massaged him there.  He liked it a lot, and I let him 'reward me' by licking my face -- and this time I let him lick inside my mouth, which he did.  It was really turning me on.  I moved my hand and felt his cock; of course, having no experience, I didn't know what to do or how it was supposed to feel, but I felt no balls like I had seen (and paid attention to) on other dogs, so I suspected he had been neutered.  I nonetheless masturbated him, and between the taste of him licking inside my mouth and feeling his cock, I was really getting swept away with passion.  I pulled off my pants, underwear, shoes and socks.  He was panting quite a bit, and it didn't take long for him to sniff my crotch and "play" with my cock with his tongue.  He really did little more than lap at it sporadically, but it was enough to increase the heat of the moment for me.  I went back to letting him lick the inside of my mouth, but this time I played with his tongue with my own, licking around his chops and such.




I moved my head toward his crotch, but he growled in warning before I got too close, so I stopped.  I certainly didn't want to do something he didn't want me to do.  I knew how dogs greeted each other, so I decided to give it a try (remember, this was before I had been on the Internet at all and long before I had been to a zoo site, so I didn't know about the dangers of tapeworm, etc.)  It wasn't what I had expected -- to taste like what shit smelled like; it was instead very pleasant, and he and I both enjoyed it immensely.  I was approaching my maximum erection, so I decided to make the final maneuver.  I gave him a very affectionate backstretch, and he lifted his wagging tail, and I entered him.  As I did so, I leaned over his back.  I felt his tail wag against my chest, and he turned his head slightly.  I managed to hold my penetration and support my head and torso with my hands flat against the floor, pushup style, and allow him to lick my face as I came fully.  I couldn't see, of course, but I felt myself ejaculating more cum than I had ever done in my life.  It just kept coming, and every passing moment of it brought such release and feeling of kinship with the animal.  After my last spurt crammed into his ass, I withdrew, exhausted from the experience and yet feeling so incredibly good.  He lapped at my quickly-limping cock, enjoying every last bit of my cum.  The cum dripping out of his ass worried me though; I didn't know what my parents would think it was, but I didn't want them to guess.  Sensing it was over, he stood by the door, and I let him out.  I closed and locked the door again, redressed, and wiped up the gobs of my cum off the floor.




I thought he might hate me or something after that, after reading how sexual contact with children at a young age, even so-called consentual, led to a life of violence, et cetra.  Of course, I was wrong.  He and I grew closer together, and I enjoyed several such sexual couplings with him throughout the summer, but the opportunities were often weeks apart.  Nonetheless, they were so meaningful and such a release to me I instantly stopped my masturbation which had become a habit I was disgusted with (fortunately, no one has ever caught me; my sister had teased that I was masturbating when I severely sprained my wrist falling down, but that was some time before I actually was).




My canine companion is still next door to this day, but he has become mostly unavailable, unfortunately.  His masters were ordered to keep him penned up in their backyard after someone in the neighborhood called Animal Control about a dog who had bitten a child.  It couldn't have been him; his masters have many young kids and he is a very gentle dog.  But, alas, he is usually penned up, and I am often gone now too, as I have been through many full-time jobs along with full-time school.




Also during the summer and in the heat of my love with the dog, I began to think about having sexual relationships with other animals.  One day, seemingly on instinct, when the dog wasn't available for sex, I took a walk down a path that ran through undeveloped land I'd been on with other neighborhood kids when we were kids (sorry if that doesn't make sense!).  The path I knew led to a large pasture, partially forested at the end far from the farmhouse, with lots of cows and horses.  I grabbed a small bag of apples we'd had for awhile that was in our garage in preparation for any encounter.




As I approached the barbwire fence and walked along it to the usual crossover point, a series of  supports for the barbwire lines that double as a sort of makeshift stepladder over, an Arabian mare (it didn't take long for me to realize she was a mare; I had strolled through enough pastures including this very one) emerged from a distant barn, heading straight for me at a slow pace.  I patiently waited to see what she'd do.  She eyed me curiously as she approached.  She came right up to me and sniffed me.  I was so enthralled I almost forgot about the apples.  I grabbed one, and she pulled back at my sudden movement, but took it appreciatively from my hand.  I emptied the bag of apples over the fence on her side, and stroked her neck as she fed.  She neighed softly as I did so, but did nothing but feast.  I had a rough time at petting her; she was just close enough to the fence to prevent me from being able to swing over to her side.  I felt nervous and couldn't bring myself to, even after she backed off slightly from the fence and looked at me.  She wasn't frightened of me; she seemed more than a little curious now.  She turned ninety degrees as if to let me have a good look at her as she began munching on some grass (she had completely eaten the dozen or so apples by this time).  I was so very enthralled just watching her, admiring her powerful muscles and unmatched grace.  Nothing described her better than absolutely beautiful.




A sudden distant noise distracted me; it was the sound of the screen door on the farmhouse. I'd had an encounter with the family as a young kid, and they were not friendly people.  The mare turned her head to see (she was facing away from them), then turned to face me an neigh as if in warning about them.  I disheartedly agreed, and picked up the empty plastic sack and trudged home.




What, no jumping over the fence and doing her right there?  Wouldn't that make the story more interesting?  It probably would, but like I said, I am being completely honest here.  I never did take her; that was as close as I got.




I had a similar encounter with a doe also that summer; I think it was a few weeks afterward, but I'm not sure.  Ask me about it if you like, but I didn't make it with her, either.




In fact, that dog has been my one true zoosexual encounter, though I really do lust in my heart and my mind for many animals.  As I became familiar with the Internet at school, I sought out porn, but nothing really worked for me like the porn labeled 'bestiality.'  The only place I could find it for free was 1hot1's samples, which I later learned were nearly all illegally copied by 1hot1.  I downloaded all the images and brought them home to view and print on my computer in the middle of the night (we have what was a superior machine, a Pentium-90, but it had no Internet connections and may not have for quite some time as our finances are getting so poor we had to cancel expanded cable; fortunately the cable company let us keep the Discovery channel and an all new adventure for me, appropriately titled:  Animal Planet).




About January of this year, after typing "bestiality" (and its commonly misspelled variant, "beastiality") into Yahoo, I stumbled onto a zoo page.  No animal porn, just a lot of questions and answers and very useful info.  (I can't remember which one it was).




I rubbed my eyes; I couldn't believe what I was reading.  There were others who enjoyed animals like me?  Not just forcing sex on them to make boocoo bucks?  Sexual and spiritual relationships?  I thought I was hallucinating.  The bestiality porn pictures I had downloaded earlier (my favorite was actually of an Arabian stallion in proximity to a mare, very erect with the only human female in the picture holding him still by his collar, giving a clear view of his very huge cock) were little better than something to masturbate with.  I found stories on the sight that gave me instant erections and described feelings exactly like mine.  I was completely flabbergasted and speechless.




This almost cost me; I was sitting in my usual spot in a back corner against a wall, with the monitor slightly turned so nobody could see.  Someone spotted my gaping and wandered over to ask/see what I had found.  Moments before they got to me, I got quickly to my senses and clicked the X to close NetScape.  Time to put on a poker face.  "Dammit ... I hate that 'Illegal' error message kicking me out!"  (It was a common error that had frustrated many, including me in the middle of typing out an e-mail for twenty minutes!)




It was a Pentium-60 machine with a very slow connection, and it seemed to take forever to get it to disappear off the screen.  The person managed to glimpse text on the screen before it disappeared.




"What'd you find?" they asked.  "Oh, a NASA news thing.  I just surfed there from Yahoo, so I didn't even get to keep the Address.  Hate it when that happens," I said, knowing the person knew of my interest in space exploration.  They bought it.  When they left, I followed the same Yahoo links back to the zoo page.  I also found a link to something called "furry"; I had no idea what it was but I gave it a try; I am now a frequent visitor to http://www.furnation.com.




Since then, a whole new computer lab has been added:  Pentium-100s with networked NetScape.  There was one minor difference that changed things even better for me:  unlike the older ones, these ones could do newsgroups.  It wasn't common knowledge, and the only thing I knew about newsgroups is that they wouldn't run on the other machines, and I didn't even try it on the new ones for an entire month.  As I grasped the newsgroup setup, I found alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.animals and alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bestiality.  Occasionally, amid the useless spam (when does 'free bestiality pics' ever mean free bestiality pics?  Absolutely never!) and flames, I found more pictures.  The spam actually did serve a purpose; it was sent to so many groups I just had to click to get to alt.sex.zoophilia -- it was not a valid newsgroup, unfortunately (what did happen to it, anyway?).  But alt.sex.bestiality was.  And right there was a newsgroup FAQ explaining that this was NOT the place for bestiality pics; it was a meeting place for zoos.  BINGO!




Nonetheless, I just perused through it until a few weeks ago.  I was woefully disappointed; all that was here was useless spam, some flames to posts that had long since gone, and some true bestialists seeking people with animals to screw.  Not what I wanted at all.




Eventually I set up an anonymous e-mail account at RocketMail, the very one I am using now (I do have a non-zoo e-mail account I have been using for a long time at HotMail, but I don't want people who know me from the other account to know I'm a zoo, so that's why I have two separate accounts).  I set up the id info into Netscape, typed "Anonymous Zoo" as my name (or something like that), and voile!  I responded to a couple things that did seem 'serious' about a week ago, my very first post to a.s.b., and made several new newsgroup posts of my own.  (See the bottom of this article for info on my new zoo handle)




The response was almost immediate and such a relief.  I felt an instant kinship with all zoos.  I had received other e-mail from a lot of other people (at my HotMail account), but most of them couldn't spell worth beans and never saw things the way I did.  Reading these e-mails, I had to double-check who they were from and my memory to make sure I hadn't sent them to myself!  Of all the different groups and cliques, I think us zoos would be the best fit for a stereotype.  There are a few minor differences, mostly due to different backgrounds and experience levels.  Compared to most, I am still a newbie.  And yet I feel I have known these fellow zoos all my life ... as if we all share one mind or something.  It's actually still a little spooky to me, but I feel perfectly comfortable sharing even my deepest secrets with someone I have never met before, even on-line.




An update from spring break:  My life has so much more meaning now that I know my feelings are not a sign that I am some sick, evil, vile person.  I cannot say all my guilt and shame over my zoo feelings has gone away; if it had, I wouldn't be hiding my true self from others.  We all cling to residue of that guilt and




And that's basically it.  That's me.  Or is it also you, too?  One fellow zoo e-mailed me his life story; it was same as mine, nearly to a t!  The only differences were he was slightly older, had far more zoo experiences, and was in the Navy slightly longer!  :-) I have never met another zoo in person, and from the very low percentage estimates I received from one fellow zoo (about one one-thousandth of a percentile, they estimated), it looks fairly unlikely unless something is set-up on-line.  So yahoo to whoever proposed a national zoo organization, I'm all for it!  ;-)




As promised, regarding my new handle, Eagle.  Eagle describes the animal I most feel like as a zoo:  high above and distant from the normal crowd; nearly alone in the empty skies; freedom from the constraints of the ground (my guilt, my shame, and all the other negative feelings I had about myself before I found kinship with other zoos).  If anyone is already using this handle, please tell me!!!  I'll change it -- maybe to "Eagle 2" or whatever -- if someone was using it before me.




The title of "Eagle Eyes" for this magazine was a logical next step from my handle.  This is my way of letting other zoos and zoo-friends see my perspective on things in the world -- "from my eyes", my "Eagle Eyes!"  Kinda sorta catchy, isn't it (even if a scamming sunglass company is using the name for something entirely different).




[Intro to Eagle Eyes | My plan to gain acceptance | My True Story | Flames]




Flames And Spam:  Why they hurt so much at a.s.b




Like everything else here, this is just my personal belief (except "My True Story" which, as the title implies, is my true life story!)




I've mentioned several times here how close we zoos feel.  I'm sure all zoos all feel the same or the first e-mails I received from many of you wouldn't be so extremely personal, intimate, and revealing.  We all implicitly trust any zoos, even if we've never met them.  We certainly do not trust any non-zoo that way, even our closest family and friends.  I reveal my darkest secrets, whether those secrets are zoo or not, to fellow zoos, and I feel perfectly comfortable doing it; I am completely honest with other zoos.  I wouldn't consider myself a terribly dishonest person, but I even lie even my parents every once in a while.




Why is it we're so close?  What binds us together?  I am in many cliques, like being a Star Trek fan, for instance.  I certainly don't feel like revealing anything about myself to other Trekkers except my love of Star Trek.  I don't tell them the dirty dark secrets about what I did with my sister; I tell no one that but zoos (or post it anonymously here in the open).  It is because we all *know* each other, even if we never meet.  We share one mind, one spirit.  We, of course, are individuals, but our thoughts are one.  We are in completely perfect harmony together.  In a.s.b. and e-mailing each other; in basically every way of communicating with each other on the Internet, we feel we are essentially communicating with ourselves and just thinking together.




Flamers, Spammers.  These violate and strongly disturb that thinking together.  Our oneness and our thinking alike is our safety blanket.  Communication is the only outlet to eliminate our guilt and shame of ourselves.  Having a foreign intrusion into that communications affects us because we are so exposed.  It's like the crew of a submarine:  when they come out of the sub to see their families, they are open to attack by enemies.  Any foreigner, even a well-meaninged spammer (if there is such a thing), is perceived a threat to us.




So how do we use this?  Obviously, we can't control other people and the spam and flames will thus always be there.  We have to learn to accept it, to disregard it and set it aside.  It is not part of us, but we must realize it cannot harm us, no matter how much we think it might.  It's like getting a shot -- the pain of the needle isn't what is desired; the medicine in the needle is, but we have to feel the pain to get to it.  We have to accept the pain of the intrusions, no matter how blatantly disruptive they are.




From my years of experience at being bullied, I have learned that the well-known tactic of  ignoring an adversary and they will get bored and quit does not work all of the time.  At the same time, you don't want to aggravate them further by responding to their hatemongering attacks against you.  I've found the best way to frustrate them off is to embarrass them.  If they have the common flaming intellect, "thank" them for their "well-thought out message" and "well-structured and clearly-stated points."  In other words, be sarcastic ... be very sarcastic.  More powerful than any nuclear device, more useful than all of the world's knowledge combined is humor!  There is no defense, no hiding from its effects once unleashed, and it cannot hurt anyone other than its target.  Humiliate them, laugh with them (not at them) and at their "jokes."  Tell them they deserve to be published, and post their e-mail at the a.s.b. (but be careful to remove their names or e-mail addresses, humiliating them without giving them reason to do anything but leave).  It has worked thus far for me!




Plus, all in all, I have received on the average about 20 good, solid e-mails / responses for every flame.  Not including zoos, it's about three or four to one.  I was happy to answer some questions about zoos from non-zoos who had stumbled onto my posts (I wonder how they can 'stumble' onto a newsgroup like alt.sex.bestiality without being able to guess at its contents, but it is a question I don't feel I should ask them!)




Well, this concludes the very first issue of "Eagle Eyes" (not affiliated in any way with those fake rip-off sunglasses).  Hope you liked it!




Please title all responses to articles appropriately, or just put "Re:  Eagle Eyes #X" (with an appropriate number for X) in the subject lines to help me sort through the many but useful e-mails I receive.  My other e-mail account at HotMail is my way of communicating through dozens of other subjects, but even combined it doesn't come close to the volume of pure zoo e-mails I receive here!  I love it, but it does take me time to sort through all of it.  Also, along the same lines, please do not give up on me.  Ever.  I do solemnly swear to answer at least all non-flame e-mail, but it may take time.  As you can see from the length of this newsletter, I take a lot of time to respond to each individual e-mail; this is in fact a way I am cutting my time by putting many thoughts to where all zoos can see it instead of personally e-mailing all of you; I really don't want to mass-email; its too impersonal for people I feel so close to.  If something comes up, like I won't be able to respond to e-mail for a while or something, then I'll mass-email, but rarely will I do so under any other circumstances.  Unless you want me to mass e-mail Eagle Eyes to all of you instead of posting it on the a.s.b.!




Also, be sure to mention whether or not you want your name/handle to be published in the next issue.  I'd like to share the best of the responses I receive (pro- or con- my viewpoints) in every issue (obviously I couldn't here since this is the premier issue!) and attribute them (I will attribute responses anonymously if not given express permission; I will also abide by any requests to not publish something at all).  Note that I probably will not include every response in the next issue, since there are so many zoos.  I will try to make it a fair sampling, however.




[Intro to Eagle Eyes | My plan to gain acceptance | My True Story | Flames]




And here's a bit of humor, inspired by a fellow zoo who noted he's in a "stable relationship":




Being a zoo puts a lot of expressions in a whole new light ... like "Out to pasture," "Born to be wild," and "Good neigh bors" [note the word split :-)].




And here's a zoo graphic I created.  You are free to do with it as you wish; I claim no copyright to it.




What lies ahead for upcoming issues of Eagle Eyes:




Much better planning and organization, for one!  Whew, this first issue is a real mess, but I just wanted to get it out.  I promise I'll do a much better job on the next one!  I'm going to try writing some Word Macros to handle hypertext jumps around the document (external links would still be impossible, though).




A look into the history of zoophilia / bestiality.  Where / when did the term "zoophilia" originate?  Right now, I haven't a clue, but I'm going to find out!  I'm going to give as detailed and as accurate a picture as I possibly can.




A detailed listing of zoo resources on the net, from where the FAQs and PIPs are to the newsgroups (what did happen to alt.sex.zoophilia anyway?)




I'd also like to include ramblings, ORIGINAL new true stories and/or fiction (there are a lot of good ones out there on the 'net ... I want some new, fresh stuff!)




Also, a "Dear Abby" kinda-like [that's very eloquent technical jargon too complex to be understood ;-)] section in which I (hopefully) help zoos through some tough issues.  I'll probably delegate many of these to more experienced zoos, but I'll take what I can.  I'll probably call it "The Eagle's Ear" or something like that.




I need webspace I can put this and all future issues of "Eagle Eyes".  It won't take much space ... for the short term, just a couple megabytes of disk space would suffice.  I do have a GeoCities account, but I've heard horror stories about them and Zoo pages.  If anyone would care to donate a directory and some space, please drop me a line!

[email protected]




 




I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - 30-30 - 02-26-2018



Ouchie....getting confronted with age old writings that are full of juvenile enthusiasm and naiveté definitely must hurt.... [img]<fileStore.core_Emoticons>/emoticons/wink.png[/img]/emoticons/[email protected] 2x" title=";)" width="20" />



I honestly laughed at the entire "we zoos are all sooo likeminded folks" schtick.....and honestly hope Eagle knows better now.




Eagle, I´m not looking down on you for writing this, how could I as I was experiencing the same "mythical illumination" when I first found other "animal enthusiasts" on the internet in the beginning of the 90´s. It surely is some kind of epiphany when you´re trying to deal with your sexuality and basically think you´re alone with this and all of a sudden, there´s a whole lot of unexpected "likeminded" folks accessible by a few clicks. But I quickly found out that we´re not as unanimously thinking as you wrote in your text...that connecting with each other would not effortlessly bring us closer to tolerance. That this whole online thing also included a shitton of possible fuckups, dangers and could lead to a "sell-out" mentality accepted by the overwhelming majority. And what can I say, "we" managed to steer into literally each obstacle, minor or major, just as we were deliberately and willingly seeking for a collision course with anything that remotely came into our operating range. While we keep the utmost distance to the real issues with zoophilia and bestiality, of course...




I really hope you developed a more realistic attitude within the 21 years between that text and the present...and simultaneously wonder whether these "first contact" imprint situations are contributing lots to the current stubbornness and unwillingness to change attitudes although any attempt to gain more tolerance went down the drain fast under the current , commonly accepted "zoo dogma"...could it really be that many of us can´t really overcome their delusions because literally were imprinted with that "anything goes" crap when they first made contact to the "zoo scene" ? I´ve heard way too much heading the direction of "When I first made contact with online zoos, I felt like I was reborn" to be able to discard the possibility of literally coining the common, uneffective and highly naive mindset of many zoos right into them "at birth" by our community. The simple fact of the total lack of self reflection, especially in younger zoos, the perpetuated complete naiveté despite of the harsh realities out there, the highly idealised mindset often also inducing some sort of "pervo superiority" (" Because I fuck animals, I have superior, secret knowledge...")...I don´t kid when I demand that our community has to finally grow out of its infant stage and become mature.




 




I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - egoldstein - 02-26-2018


Heya Eagle, glad to see you've joined the forum; I look forward to discussions again just like the old days.



I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - Ren Houk - 02-26-2018


Quote:
8 hours ago, 30-30 said:




"Eagle, I´m not looking down on you for writing this, how could I as I was experiencing the same "mythical illumination" when I first found other "animal enthusiasts" on the internet in the beginning of the 90´s. It surely is some kind of epiphany when you´re trying to deal with your sexuality and basically think you´re alone with this and all of a sudden, there´s a whole lot of unexpected "likeminded" folks accessible by a few clicks. But I quickly found out that we´re not as unanimously thinking as you wrote in your text"




Amen, brother!




I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - Eagle - 02-26-2018


Much has changed.  Is there anyone whom didn't have an overly optimistic and exuberant "delurk" in the 1990s or earlier whom doesn't feel differently now?



I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - Resident Hyaena - 02-28-2018



Yikes, it ended up long again! (I suck at word economy (?:^(

Oh well, here goes...

 




I would have to be one of those whose "delurk" - if that means "open" as in a forum vs "private" as between two people only - was not optimistic or exuberant at all. Indeed, it was quite the opposite.

 




Some background...

 




Even before the start of my sexual awakening at the end of the sixties, I knew that the world's population was numbered in the billions. So when it became apparent what I was turning out to be, I was confident that even at a small fraction or decimal of a percent, that others of Zoosexual orientation had to number in the tens of thousands at least, probably in the hundreds of thousands, and maybe even millions.


Even when it extended to, and then became, a full-on imprint on Birds, I was confident that the numbers still had to be in the high hundreds or thousands.


So for me, even then, the question was not if there were others like me, but rather, if there could somehow be a safe way to find and to contact any of them.


Also, taking Latin in high school at the time and reading scientific journals, I had learned Latin & Greek roots, and independently coined the words "Zoophile"and "Zoosexual". likewise with "Orniphile" and "Ornisexual", only learning decades later, that they should have been spelled "Ornithophile" and "Ornithosexual".


I even used the word "orientation" to internally reference my developing and bifurcating sexual focus, long before I ever heard or saw it being used by others in reference to sexuality. It would be soon after that I would learn the name of that process, the ethological process of "imprinting".


Fast-forward to late 1994. A zoo-friendly friend loaned me time on his computer and helped me to learn it and the internet. With my not understanding the differences between account names, usernames, addresses, and passwords, I had accidentally created the username "Resident Hyaena" while setting up my first - and for Zoo-use-only - e-mail account. And in the next four years, I had made e-mail contact with about half-a-dozen other Zoos, by way of their personal web pages.


Nearly all my online Zoo time was at personal web pages, reading personal accounts, essays, checking rather few images, making contacts, checking out how-tos and story archives, and exploring the Zoo Ring, Ian's Zoo Links, & other "road maps", both Zoo and non-Zoo, for this new "information super-highway".


I had run across forums, but I did not understand how they worked. I saw all these tight stacks of staggered lines, and trying to read them just yielded a big string of apparently disconnected and disparate snippets of conversations.  


Then, spring of 1999. I had been online for about four years & some months, weeks, and days. I had finally figured out how to follow the forum "threads", and for a few months now, I had been "lurking" at one called "The Vivarium Forum", or "TVF", operated by Hermes Trismegistus, and another, the forum of the site "The Pages of Proteus" operated by Proteus Protei.


By now, I had seen much of the online Zoo "community" of the time, the good, the bad, the full gamut of what people had - and didn't have - to offer. But in these two forums, the stress & strains within the community were particularly evident, especially regarding who and what should or should not be considered a "True Zoo".

 




The delurk....

 




Then, the end of April or the beginning of May. It was well after midnight, and the end of an hours-long drive back from a convention. I checked TVF, and found that a  Zoo regular named Valerio, had posted his take on who and what were & were not Zoo.

(Soon after, I had, with the help of Ren, saved the then recently deleted posts in that thread. But they then died again, with the fatal crash of my first computer. So I cannot properly quote the content, only paraphrase or summarize it).


In Valerio's diatribe or "rant", he discredited and disparaged those who had or wanted sexual activity with the "Wrong" Animals, dismissing and condemning all those that engaged with Birds and some other Animals, as abusers and rapists. Others chimed-in with their approvals and "yessah's".


And with that, I "delurked".


It was not optimistic or exuberant, not in the least.


It was fury and rage!


I began - even then and there - with the paragraph I had always used when making my initial introduction by e-mail, and have used in all Zoo forum introductions since:

 




"Hello there.

My online name is Resident Hyaena (a name that came about more by accident than design). I'm a Zoo, most specifically an Ornithophile, a lover of Birds."

 




After that, I let loose.


Again, I have no surviving copy of it, and with the writing of the original post done largely under post-driving exhaustion, the fog of rage, and unaccustomed-to levels of adrenaline, my retention of what I wrote was deficient at best. But I did express my love for Birds, my care for their well-being, and challenged his harsh presumptions of abuse, describing what I knew that Birds enjoyed, and what could be done safely.


But for his assertions that because of the presumed "abuse", that sexual contact with Birds proved that you didn't care and so didn't really "love" them, I gave my harshest reply. Paraphrasing here, as per the above limiting factors, I asked him, in part:


"Have you ever raised a young Bird (or other Animal) from birth to adult?


I have!


Have you ever had a Bird (or other Animal) come to you, begging for sexual attention?


I have!


Have you and a Bird (or other Animal) ever gone to a "special place" to spend time together, to grow together, and to share in each others lives?


I have!


Have you ever had to watch your Bird (or other animal) as they aged, and declined, knowing there was nothing you could do to stop it?


I have!


And finally, have you ever had to return to that special place with what was your Bird (or other Animal) to finally lay them to rest, and to cry over and agonize over them, forever?


I HAVE!"

 




Many minutes, more typing, and eight "zinging" fingertips later, I finally posted it.


No optimism, no exuberance. Just anger, despair, and agony.


Physically and mentally spent, I shut down the computer and plopped into bed.

 




The next day, I returned to the site and the post. And to a number of replies. Most were supportive, but one titled "Whoh There!" stood out. It was from Valerio. In it, he "clarified" his points, and "assured" that he did not mean to portray Ornithophiles as abusers, as not caring, not loving, or not real Zoos.


And he expressed a willingness to learn more.


I sent him info in multiple mailings, including development, activities, and accounts with various Birds. Only the "accounts" mailing had survived.

 




What followed...

 




I was accepted at TVF, and continued posting there as time and limited typing ability would allow. But never again in the manner I did that first time! The thread with my delurk did not last though, it was deleted just two days later by Hermes, who was prone to delete not just what violated the rules, which it did not, but also anything that he just didn't "like".


Considering the even more acrid atmosphere at the Proteus forum, I remained just a lurker there.


It would not last; citing health issues with him and his Dog, Valerio posted less and eventually stopped, his e-mail going dead. Not long after, Hermes, citing frustrations with the community at large, shut down the site and vanished. His earlier, abandoned page, "Welcome To Paradigm" persisted as a moribund, or "zombie" site, but eventually disappeared as well.


Not long after, he resurfaced as Ebonlupus, with a new personal web page - Tailhole.org - sans forum. I looked it over a couple of times, but quickly gave up on it.


I soon found a forum of sorts - I *think* under the Yahoo Groups umbrella - called the Zoo Writers Group. (to Silverwolf: please correct me if any of the information, chronology, or accounts are incorrect).


I found it a good fit, and began a story under a story writing contest. But due to vehicle failure and misjudging the magnitude of the task, it was never completed.


Unfortunately, if I remember right, Yahoo shut it, and many or all other Groups down. Another iteration later emerged, but disappeared as well.


Before the forums, I found fellow Ornithophile, Hawk, and after or around the time the Groups vanished, he re-launched a new version of his old forum, Zoophile.org, which had disappeared before I found Hawk. I established a good presence there, and Ornithophiles were welcome, though questioned by some members.


But with his disdain for Microsoft, and tendency for running things incompatible with Internet Explorer, Windows, and other Microsoft systems, I often found myself unable to access or navigate the site or to post there.


Eventually, with another site reboot, I found myself unable to access it at all, getting "red screen" blocked. E-mail addresses began to change, bounce, and change again, and contact was eventually lost.


I soon found another site, called "Pet Lovers Forum". First, under White_Shadow, then Midnitecrow, it was much less formal, and a much friendlier place than TVF.


Later, having established a good presence, I was invited to join a secret forum, known only by, and available by way of, a very limited invite only.


And both were Ornithophile friendly.


I spent more time and made many more posts at those two than at any other forum. Unfortunately, due to provider & host conflicts, spurred by moves or legal changes in the host country, those two and other "problematic" Midnitecrow forums were eventually shut down.


During all that time, personal web pages were disappearing at an alarming rate, with almost no replacements. By the time PLF and the others were dropped, only Ren's Kennel and The Ultimate Zoo Page remained. And they soon disappeared as well.

I searched around for other forums, but the few I found, like the latest iteration of Zoo.org, and Zoophile's Forum were "Red-Page" locked-out, with no way to bypass the barrier.


After two years or more of nothing, I finally found "BF", as many are wont to call it. Despite the crowded and "alien" feel to it, I joined, having found no other accessible forum.


I was welcomed well enough, and figured I might do okay there. But I soon found out that the admins frowned on activity with Birds, that the "Chicken raper" model, the "ALL sex with birds is ALWAYS harmful" mantra and associated Avian myths, had been repeated to the point of being accepted without question as "Established Fact", never to be disputed or challenged. And not even to be discussed, other than yessahs' and hear-hears' to their gospel "Truth".


It was not looking good for me there.


But there was a thread posing the question of whether it was possible to ethically have sexual interactions with an Ostrich. Seeing it, and some of the downright ridiculous things being said, I decided to reply to it.


It apparently was enough for the moderators to reconsider their initial plans to lock that thread, though not enough to reconsider the "indisputable facts" referenced above. The thread is still open, but is currently going nowhere.


Two years after finding BF, I found a site called "Herpy". A "Scalie" site for Reptile & Dragon Furries, it was welcoming to "Avians" as well, and "accepting to tolerant" of my Ornithophily, though I was advised to be careful about presenting any real life accounts or descriptions of  actual events.


It was still a much better fit for me than BF, and I found myself posting much more there, and my posts being surprisingly well received. I even considered it as a place to post my still unfinished story.


But there were troubles ahead. The site was running unreliably on old "patched-up" software, and the co-founder of the site, with all the technical skills, had gone off a few years earlier to attend full-time to his other enterprise. For a long time, the Herpy admins had been trying to contact him for help.


But when they finally got in touch, he, with no notice to the admins, shut down and wiped-out the entire site and its archives, leaving only a lame message page which essentially added up to "So long, and thanks for all the fish!"


Finally, by a very fortunate series of coincidences, I recently found this current iteration of the Zoo Writers Guild, and its sibling site, Zoophilia Pictures. Reminded again, by the loss of Herpy, I had resumed work on the story.


And with the finding of this latest Zoo Writers iteration, the continuation of my work on the story, and the re-surfacing of some of my earliest and best Zoo contacts, much has now come "full circle".

 




What now?...

 




So as for the "doesn't feel differently" part, yes and no. The "optimism and exuberance" wasn't there for me at the delurk, and so wasn't there for me to lose. The "onlining" of Zoo has caused social backlash and legal repression, but it has also allowed us to share information that enables us to better care for and protect our Animal partners, and if we take the situation seriously and act sensibly, it should enable us to better safeguard our privacy.


And it has also removed our isolation from one another. For many Zoos, the pre-internet loneliness and isolation must have been devastating, a social solitary confinement. And it has been shown many times that social isolation has terrible effects upon both the physical and mental health of those so burdened.


But now, a really bad - and little talked about - situation. For all the negativity we face, we, the online Zoos, are in many ways the lucky ones. Though we face social and legal oppression and backlash, we and our Animals still have, or can have, the support of other zoos.


Even if its just you and one other Zoo writing to each other, and just letting each other know that you and they are not alone.


But most Zoos probably don't have even that. Considering the grossly disparate distribution of resources, with most of the world's population living in what we would recognize as deep poverty, it is likely that most of the world's Zoos are not, have not been, and will never be online, and have rarely found other Zoos without first finding or being found out by disapprovers. Or worse.


These "disenfranchised" Zoos have none of the benefits of being online, but are still subject to all the disapproval and legal oppression, which is readily "available" to them, whether online or not.


I suspect that most of the world's Zoos are living in constant fear, with no reason to hope for things ever getting better.


Unfortunately, other than our sympathy, there is, like the aging of our Animal companions, probably little or nothing that we can do about it.


There's a lot more to those issues, and many other issues untouched here. And cannot be touched here, as this reply is already way too long! Maybe to be taken up in other threads?

 




What next?...

 




One thing we probably should be keeping an eye on though, is the upcoming repeal of "Net Neutrality". It may have a major impact on our online presence. Or it could also have very little effect at all. Or something in-between.


Then again, with so many confident otherwise, look what ended up in the White House!


If for no other reason than "Old Man Murphy", we should probably be prepared for substantial impact. If not being done already, we should be making sensible preparations, such as alternate lines of communication and backing-up of archives (the latter of which I  had to learn the hard way (?:^(


Just in case the "vehicles" of our information super-highway should suddenly "go south".

 




Resident Hyaena ^..^




 




I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - Ren Houk - 02-28-2018


Quote:
5 hours ago, Resident Hyaena said:




Yikes, it ended up long again! (I suck at word economy (?:^(

Oh well, here goes...




 




Thanks for sharing, RH. I remember the Velerio thread and wonder if you recall sending me copies of your de-lurk or other things.  I know I have a number of emails from you, but would need to review their content.




For me Ebon's passing and the recent loss of beloved four leggers lead to the crushing realization of isolation; that I could not grieve their loss and genuinely share my feelings and memories beyond a very close few.  Your recount of bonding and loss strikes deep and paints clearly the enormous value of sharing our mutual suffering, joys, loves, and yes, even the occasional contentious debate.




Please, do not cut your word economy budget. [img]<fileStore.core_Emoticons>/emoticons/wink.png[/img]/emoticons/[email protected] 2x" title=";)" width="20" />



-Ren




I'm here, for better or worse. Yes, the Eagle of old. - silverwolf1 - 03-01-2018



I lurked I think one day after coming to my first zoo forum, promptly getting into an ethics of fence-hopping debate (it was more a one sided argument) and learning all Wolf could teach me about flames. I resumed lurking, for months, before writing my first poem and posting it and an old one I'd written pre-internet, on the original Pet Lovers Forum. I also returned to the first forum and honed my debating skills while growing a thick skin. 




I had no high expectations when I came online, no more than hoping for a place where I could talk about losing Tippy. I wasn't even looking for a bestiality place, just a place for pet loss. I found one on AOL, but found also the new to me feeling of being out of place. Unlike many, I'd never questioned my sexual preferences, nor felt a social loss due to them (maybe because I also had "normal" hetero human relationships, but I can't say for certainty why) until I found that place where I should have been welcome. A user of that forum turned me to that first zoo forum though...




I've owned 5 forums, been admin or mod of many more, and write on several zoo oriented sites today, and feel more out of place now than then. I've considered going dark again. I'd done so in 01 and lurked for 14 years, but I learned from that too. Once you first delurk, for good or bad, there's no going back.  




sw