Jokes

zemlya

Nature's Best Friend
Mr. Penguin brings his car to the auto shop to have some work done on it.  While waiting for a mechanic on duty to inspect the vehicle, he walks over to the local ice cream parlor that is only a few blocks away, and having taken a stroll on a sunny day, he feels a little hungry.  When he arrives, he asks the clerk for an ice cream cone, and after the order is completed, he sits down to eat the snack while reading the news on his cellphone.  After he is done eating, he gets up and walks towards the door, the clerk says to him "Have a nice day!" and he replies "Thank you."  He then walks out and all the way back to the auto shop.  There he's greeted by the manager on duty and the manager says to him, "Mr. Penguin, it looks like you've just blown a seal."  Mr. Penguin blushes and wipes his beak and says, "No, it's just ice cream."

 
Not a joke, but a real story:




I frequently ride tournaments. On one occasion in another riding club some kilometers away from my home stables, I did like usual and worked my Hannover mare on the "Abreitplatz" , the area you can warm up your horse before the actual competition. My mare was a known kicker and had a red band weaved into her tail as it is obligatory on tournaments to signal potential "unfriendly" behaviour. So, I was preparing her for the dressage and then, there was this show jumping stallion also being warmed up by his rider on the same area . The stallion obviously found interest in my mare, but she always squealed when he came near and even did some fake kicks towards him. The stallion´s rider lost a bit of control about his horse that got more and more excited although my mare definitely wasn´t in heat at that time...




It all culminated in his stallion totally going out of his rider´s control, getting near my mare who wasn´t fond of that at all and immediately fired a huge one with her hind legs at him, only slightly missing the leg of the rider, but smacking the stallion pretty good. The rider became infuriated, but I luckily heard my starting number being called out on the speakers to assume my place in the dressage arena, so I left the warm up area and rode the competition. After my mare and me finished the lessons, I went out of the club area to cool her down for 15 minutes walking her in the nearby fields, then I unsaddled and unbridled her, dried her and led her into the trailer. All of a sudden, the stallion´s rider was walking towards me like a twisted and red form of an Irish gnome steaming with anger, just in the moment I was closing the trailer´s door and about to drive home. He forced me into listening to his rant, complaining about my mare having "ruined his tournament with that kicking". When I said that he should have seen the red band in my mare´s tail, he only took that as more oil to fuel his anger. "Your shitty horse....rantrantrant..." I then asked him why he couldn´t keep his horse under control and whether he liked me to come over to his riding club and give him a few lessons , what made him going off like a bomb. He started shouting at me while I rather unimpressedly closed the trailer back door and went to enter my car. I can´t even remember the curse words he threw at me and my mare, but one thing I remember pretty clearly: As a special form of goodbye, I told him he should contact my riding club so my insurance would cover any costs from the possible injury my mare might have inflicted on his "super expensive and super noble breeding stallion", but also said that I will name some of the other riders, many of which I know, to testify what happened for the insurance, very likely leading to complete rejection of any reparations as all the others who have seen that incident unanimously blamed it entirely on that guy and his lack of control over his horse. He cursed even more and just as I was reaching for the key to start the engine, he yelled at me "Fuck your horse!" , giving me the finger. I calmly leaned out of my car window, looked him in the eye and then said "You don´t know how much I will take your advice to my heart. Have a nice day, Sir." , started the engine , leaving him behind with a rather baffled face. I assume the real pun went entirely over his head and he was baffled because of me staying calm and formal even when throwing insults at me like mad. But you cannot imagine how much I laughed, seeing this guys face in the rear mirror...knowing that he correctly predicted what was about to happen when my mare and I reached our stables. I almost pissed my pants from laughing...


 
A joke:

Dr. Howard paced about the room, nervous.  "Relax," he tried to reassure himself.  "You're not the first doctor to have sex with a patient."  But, then, reality sets in and he has to slap himself "... but I'm a veterinarian!"

 
(An old one, reconstructed from very incomplete memory, and re-written so that the circumstances would make better sense, the one in question would be treated more humanely, and their intended fate would be the nestbox, rather than the dinner table).




 




Marco was asked by his wife to go to town and get another laying hen to replace the one they had lost. He bundled up for the weather, fired up the old truck, puttered the several miles to town, and picked out one at the farmers market, which they put into a mesh sack for safe carry to the truck.


But when he tried to start up the truck, it gave a whine and went dead. The nearby mechanic said it was a bad starter motor, and he could fix it, but it would take at least three hours. And he could not leave the Chicken there or have it in the waiting room.


So he went out to find a park bench or something, and soon saw the marquee for the local cinema, and a movie he had wanted to see.


But what to do about the Chicken?


He hung the sack by the drawstrings around his neck, and wrapped his cloak over, to give the impression that he was just fat. Then he went to the ticket booth, paid , went in, and found a seat, adjusting the Chicken and cloak so that it could sit more-or-less normally in his lap and get proper air.


Others came in, including two young women that sat down next to him.


The movie began, and soon he was totally engrossed in it, so much so, that he failed to notice that the Chicken had found or made a breach in the sack, and had worked its head and neck out.


And the woman nearest him leaned over to her partner. "Karina, Karina!" she whispered "Over here, sticking out of this guy's pants!"


"What of it Sandra" replied Karina "you've seen one, you've seen them all".


"Maybe you have" replied Sandra "but this one's eating our popcorn!"




 


 
 




<a class="ipsAttachLink ipsAttachLink_image" href="https://zoowg.org/uploads/monthly_2018_05/9Sq95bc.jpg.6acc4ceab44baab2b26580cc3b2579c3.jpg" data-fileid="3446">
9Sq95bc.thumb.jpg.a26fe5730448b2634e49b4f7191a46ad.jpg
</a>




<a class="ipsAttachLink ipsAttachLink_image" href="https://zoowg.org/uploads/monthly_2018_05/bZxltZG.jpg.ad5a7bb4e19640e39c4626a28a6e11e9.jpg" data-fileid="3447">
bZxltZG.thumb.jpg.36545bcc752cb1fbea82cdc958035ebb.jpg
</a>




LME7MzR.jpg.ee1d24eecbe0f7f68ec4607f0d3eadcc.jpg


 
9 hours ago, heavyhorse said:




Evolution continues . . . . 


... and although I've never seen one of those, I'm guessing that evolution will have to continue without any contribution from the individual that tool gets used on ...




Am I right?


 
6 hours ago, threelegs said:




... and although I've never seen one of those, I'm guessing that evolution will have to continue without any contribution from the individual that tool gets used on ...




Am I right?


That's my point.  Folks from the shallow enough end of the gene pool to try this Challenge will have their DNA deleted from the species.  Like the Ram that got "de-selected" for head-butting me one too many times.  He lost his "contribution".  




After 7-some generations, I now have a herd of sheep that settle their issues by shoulder-shoving instead of head-butting.  Evolution.




 




The tool is also used for docking tails of wooly sheep lambs, and repairing rectal prolapse in pigs.   


 
A poor Russian peasant wanted to marry the daughter of a wealthy merchant, and the merchant said he could as long as he could pass a test to prove he would be a worthy husband.  The poor peasant agreed and inquired about the test, and the merchant gave him three tasks to complete by sundown.  They were:




1. Drink an entire bottle of vodka

2. Wrestle a bear to the ground

3. Prove his manhood by fucking the woman's mother




The man begins by finishing off the bottle of vodka and then he heads over to a nearby bear cave where thumping, rustling, and occasionally a cry or a growl is heard.  He exits the bear cave scratched up but victorious, and full of adrenaline he nearly yells, "Man, that was exhilarating.  Bring on that old hag you want me to fight."


 
5 hours ago, zemlya said:




A poor Russian peasant wanted to marry the daughter of a wealthy merchant, and the merchant said he could as long as he could pass a test to prove he would be a worthy husband.  The poor peasant agreed and inquired about the test, and the merchant gave him three tasks to complete by sundown.  They were:




1. Drink an entire bottle of vodka

2. Wrestle a bear to the ground

3. Prove his manhood by fucking the woman's mother




The man begins by finishing off the bottle of vodka and then he heads over to a nearby bear cave where thumping, rustling, and occasionally a cry or a growl is heard.  He exits the bear cave scratched up but victorious, and full of adrenaline he nearly yells, "Man, that was exhilarating.  Bring on that old hag you want me to fight."


Tha-aa-t's gonna leave a mark.....


 
 A breeder brings a kuvasz bitch in to be checked for congenital megacolon and is surprised by what he sees in the vets office.




Man:  I know what the J-lube is for, I know what the higginsons pump is for and I know what the gloves are for, but doc, what's the beer for?




Vet:  Damn it nurse I said a Butt-Light not a Bud-Light.


 
On 18/05/2018 at 4:30 PM, threelegs said:




... and although I've never seen one of those, I'm guessing that evolution will have to continue without any contribution from the individual that tool gets used on ...




Am I right?


 I have one of those for kids and lambs.

 But the rings I have are green.


 
On 18/05/2018 at 10:57 PM, heavyhorse said:




That's my point.  Folks from the shallow enough end of the gene pool to try this Challenge will have their DNA deleted from the species.  Like the Ram that got "de-selected" for head-butting me one too many times.  He lost his "contribution".  




After 7-some generations, I now have a herd of sheep that settle their issues by shoulder-shoving instead of head-butting.  Evolution.




 




The tool is also used for docking tails of wooly sheep lambs, and repairing rectal prolapse in pigs.   


 My sheep don't need their tails docked.

 they stay clean, especially compared to some Woolies.


 
4 hours ago, cabron45 said:




 My sheep don't need their tails docked.

 they stay clean, especially compared to some Woolies.


Hair sheep breeds.   Don't need docking, among other benefits.    




American wool has no market value, too many poly fibers from hay strings/nets mixed in, all the wool is Merino from Aus and NZ these days.  Woolies are fading into the past..... 


 
52 minutes ago, heavyhorse said:




Hair sheep breeds.   Don't need docking, among other benefits.    




American wool has no market value, too many poly fibers from hay strings/nets mixed in, all the wool is Merino from Aus and NZ these days.  Woolies are fading into the past..... 


All the wool is in miniature breeds, or specialty color "breeds" like the mutts I have here for the dog to chase. Find some-one who shears now-a-days in the US though. 




Back on topic-



<p style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-size:medium;">
Three women went out drinking and decided to have a contest to see who could get the drunkest. The next day the women all got together.



<p style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-size:medium;">
The first woman said, "I drove my car into a ditch."



<p style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-size:medium;">
The second woman said, "I blew chunks."



<p style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-size:medium;">
The third woman said, "I burned down my house."



<p style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-size:medium;">
After they all had told their stories, the third woman said, "I guess I won!" The second woman said, "Wait a minute, you don't understand, Chunks is my dog."


 
Frank was excited about his new rifle so he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it.  A moment later he felt a tap on his shoulder, turned around and saw a big black bear. The black bear said, "You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another hunting trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Again, there was tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a huge mistake Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to comply. Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

 
Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!" Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him." The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him, ask him!" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?" Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, "Well, do.... do they have nuns in Alaska?"T he Pope replies, "Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?" To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes." Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!" The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"T o which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?" The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska." At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling... "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!"

 
<p style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-size:medium;">
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.  The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.  



<p style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-size:medium;">
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.  Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again.  He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed. The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.  One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.  He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.  



<p style="background-color:#ffffff;color:#444444;font-size:medium;">
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.  He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.  "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"


 
A boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you're white?" She says, "Don't even go there. The way that party went, you're lucky you don't bark."

 
Back
Top