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On 4/29/2018 at 9:48 PM, FoxDogCatWolf said:




Alright.




I'm writing this because I have to shut down my machines for a couple weeks. My life is fucked up and I can't do this anymore. I try to be there for people but the truth is I am failing. People are literally dying and I don't have to the capacity to help them. I have some significant knowledge about health issues but not nearly enough about cancer to be able to help someone with stage 3-4 cancer, much less be there emotionally every step of the way. Some things are too difficult to communicate.




I think Cynolove is dead or on life support. It's hard to trust you guys with this, because record shows some you have really strange reactions to very human situations. I'm not blameless myself; I've had borderline autistic tendencies, and done very bad things in the past, but thanks to science and drugs I'm able to step outside my proverbial schrodinger's cat-killing box (I love cats; schrodinger was a fucking asshole) and able to feel more empathy than I was ever able to feel in my 20s. It's not about how old you are but about the experiences you have + what you do with them. For the record the following users posted some things that I felt were of empathetic value: arcticwolf, caikgoch (you're a little rough around the edges but I know you try), silverwolf (you had some really fucked up reaction to my first post here - it's hard to forget - but I can see you're trying; it takes everything I have to put it all aside, but you're the admin and if I don't make peace with you, we can't move forward), eagle; some others I just can't list right now.




I was so distraught by this today, I got drunk and starting chugging shitty local provincially-promoted discounted Riesling wine in the middle of a pharmacy. I don't even like alcohol and live in a country where it's overpriced (basically the government profits off the next most damaging drug known to man); I just wanted to see if anyone gave a shit. Well, one guy stood there and looked at me dumbfounded. But otherwise, either nobody noticed, or nobody cared. I got through the checkout no problem. Then I left 2 empty bottles on the store shelf. Some employee is going to be scratching his head. This is something I normally would never do. I can still write perfectly fine so you know it's not that bad. Ethanol is a GABAA agonist or sorts, similar to a Benzo, meaning it can actually help with social situations such as writing this, but it's also only a 1/3 partial solution, and ultimately it's extremely damaging to health and I don't recommend it to anyone, let's be clear on that. It's just that after watching Rannoch , Cyno and 1 other guy bite the dust, I'm not sure I have much time left, so it's hard to give a shit about myself much less the trivial stuff I witness around me.




Here is the only song I know of that's appropriate for this situation:




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L16Ox66XBXE




It's quite literally about someone who died from a medical condition. If someone could lookup the context (songmeaning.com is giving me nothing) it would mean a lot to me and I would be grateful.




My cat loved the intro to this song when they were a kitten. I would hold them in my arms and it would drive them to sleep. My cat is an amazing being and I know when they finally pass - assuming I don't pass first - I will listen to this song non-stop for 2 years.




But to say this Cynolove fellow is worthy of this song is an understatement. He was not proud of everything in his life, but I can tell you I've done some shit and seen some shit, and it was not as bad as he thought. He was really a good guy. He brought me here because he seemed like a very genuine person and it's hard to go through so much in life only to lose that again.




I have to stop here. I hope some of you get what I'm trying to say. Bye.

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1 hour ago, shortleash said:




man these welcome...or introductory threads sure take weird turns...maybe you guys should start a "where is he" or "who has heard from this guy" thread in the general....




 




 

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8 hours ago, Cat said:




So you finally came into the same conclusion I did, even when you articulated it differently; I today came back to take a peek around, very pointlessly but I've got no other release when I feel "zooey", and as you can see people don't care, we cannot find each other, it's like if none of us existed; I cared, I tried to talk to cyno but trust doesn't take us anywhere, I offered him support but we both knew that it won't go far; so I eventually went away, because we are powerless, each one of us is, so I couldn't get to contact him, I was probably one of the last people to talk to rannoch when that happened, it pisses me up, this lack of unity, brought by the risks of being public. So you can blame the laws for that, and people claiming it has no effect, I call it BS, of course it does, do you have an idea how many zoos are scattered around? millions?!... yet each one in their own tiny bubble, wondering if they are alone; because even if they are in a community like this, they are truly still alone.




 

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8 hours ago, Cat said:




It is said that taking action speaks a lot about yourself, but also gets you in trouble, however you need not to take a toll on yourself for this, you want to act, but there's nothing you can do, so you drink.




I am probably more used to this than you nevertheless, so I can understand what you are going through to some degree; I once lost everything, and a lot of people died, I cannot go into details; but this powerlessness factor, and people's indifference is something that you can expect when there's a trust barrier, cyno's situation is sad, but with this scenario, where he is an unknown person living somewhere, what can I do?...

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7 hours ago, FoxDogCatWolf said:




I gotta say I was damn upset when I wrote all that stuff last week. It didn't help I was drunk and on a drug (they say it's a dangerous combination but 'they' are a collection of parroting internet blogs) but doesn't matter much if I can still write lucidly, does it? For the record alcohol is terrible on the body and I avoid it and you should too. There are way better things. I would say "sorry" but I don't feel too torn up about it.




I am though fairly convinced he's dead because the story lines up well and medically. That said I still can't help but login every week. It's like a curse...




In the past I would have downplayed all those politics, because "zoo rights" was never my idea of a top priority issue for civilization, and a lot of the harm is long-term psychological (as in, manageable with time and social life). But when I see these guys like Rannoch and Cyno who didn't have too many friends left in real life (and I can only pray their families were there in the end; Rannoch is likely; Cyno I'm not so sure) - well just try to picture what your last moments would be... there's no "manning up" for that... it's doing more undeserved harm than I gave it credit for.




 




Some of the stuff I had to go through since 5 years has been cartoonishly horrid, out of this world, so it's not like I was born yesterday, it's merely in a different way of horror from all the horrors in the world - but a bunch of people dying at once is a different beast, and it took me by surprise, and worse, it's not going to stop - and if something that grave happened to you, I'm sorry to hear that, and I don't know where you're from but it's very possible you have more experience than me on that front, and on other fronts. I'm sure some 60-80 year old zoos have gone through watching all their friends die too - only it's not supposed to happen when you're half that age.




The powerlessness and indifference are two separate states of mind though. The prescribed medium we're forced to use certainly doesn't help the latter but it's not an excuse for it.




The community could always make better use of available (anonymizing) technology, to make communication more personal. The barriers to that have always been poor ease-of-use/accessibility combined with laziness and stupidity. In the end there's not much anyone could have done for Cyno except call him over voice... but that might have been of real value depending on his state of mind. You have to have been on that bed to get that fully. My hope is they put him on a non-stop morphine drip so he wasn't too distraught. That's how I want to go.




None of this is for the sake or arguing, I appreciate what you're saying, and this guy probably would too.