10-06-2017, 12:45 AM
You don't have to read this. It will not provide any useful information for you. I'm leaving this here in case some people here are interested in the experiences and point of view of individuals regarding zoophilia and bestiality. I also admit I'm having a problem with this, and I will try to express it here.
I had a troubled mind in my childhood and teen years, especially in my teen years (I'm between 20 and 30 now). I had a problem related to memory when I was a kid that caused a heavy depression for some years but the details of it are really besides this topic. My family is relatively average (relatively conservative too) and well off. I always lived in big cities.
My parents never talked to me about sex. I've never had the talk. My mother once tried to explain how genetic differences exist (such as fur color in cats or hair color in people and more) by telling me that we get originated from something that is in the penis that has to make contact with the "rear" (I don't remember which word she exactly used but she clearly avoided saying "vagina") of a woman. That's the closest thing I've ever had to the talk. I've never heard my parents say "sex" and my father never told me anything remotely related to it, as I said, they're relatively conservative and somewhat religious.
When I was at the age when kids start learning about sex, I grew really distant from it. I didn't find it appealing and I found other kid's behavior on it very gross or vulgar. I always found oral and anal sex and pretty much anything non-vanilla/genital (and still do) very disgusting, and I just didn't sexualize girls (or boys). This made me grow feeling kind of distant from other kids. When I was around 16 I found out about "asexuality" on the internet and started to believe I was just one of them, an asexual, but I didn't say that to people IRL because I didn't like to be different, but I just couldn't merge either, so I was stuck in this limbo for many years.
On a side note, I always found other species interesting. As far as I can remember I always enjoyed trying to make proper contact with them, adapting to them. I always found them cute and more relaxing to be with than most humans. I felt a pure connection whenever I found myself having a peaceful moment with an animal, even if we didn't do anything, just chilling, or sleeping or doing nothing, I wasn't afraid of them judging me or anything. It just felt more "pure" and "relaxing" to me, but still nothing sexual from this yet, it was 100% "innocent" connections so far. I didn't even see them or anything else sexually at all yet.
When I was around 19, my depression started to vanish (the reasons have nothing to do with sexuality or other people), and my social struggles started to get fixed with time. I started to seek social activity, friends, going out and all. I lost my fear and sociall awkwardness and slowly became relatively well functional regarding meeting and talking to people and all. I can say I don't have any struggle with it anymore and that I enjoy meeting new people and making friends, which was a huge change in my life.
I still never masturbated before when I turned 20. I had random non-pleasant ejaculations every 2 or 3 months and they were annoying because I couldn't hold them. This was important because it's what led me to considerate masturbating in order to prevent those random ejaculations. But I was very purist about anything sex related. Despite my social struggles being fixed, I still considered myself asexual because I still didn't feel any sexual attraction from anything. However I just tried masturbating once when I was 21, without having anything in mind, and it just worked. I didn't really feel any pleasure from it, It did feel weird but not necessarily bad or good, it was just weird. I started to do that from time to time to avoid the random annoying ejaculations and it worked.
When I was around 22, I accidentally saw some bestiality-related art work by pure coincidence on the internet, and that's where all of this started. It didn't happen from one day to another, but from that very moment, I started finding mares sexually appealing. It was so weird for me, I didn't want to accept it, I hated myself for seeing it that way, but I couldn't help it. The feeling kept on growing and growing and I started masturbating with those thoughts in mind, making the orgasms pleasant for the first time (unlike before). I felt guilty for it for over a year but I just ended up admiting it. I browsed actual porn of it and I realized I really was into it.
I still found animal interaction relaxing (and still do), and this is where most of my mental struggles poped up. I'm very purist when it comes to sex. I think I don't have any fetish, I don't like it violent or anything besides straight genital on genital. I don't criticize other people's tastes (unless they are non-consensual) but I really am very vanilla in sex, but at the same time I'm into female equines and pretty much nothing else, not even humans.
I'm still a virgin, and I suffer every time I see people hating zoophilia, comparing it to CP. It really makes me feel sad. I find my sexuality a lot more pure and honest than most people's, yet I see nothing but hate about it. Of course I never said it and will never say it openly, but it still hurts. Having to hide something so basic about myself hurts. I don't think what I have is a fetish or "just a kink". I really always liked animals and I see this as a more mature version of the perspective I had when I was a kid. I still see animals the same. It might sound exagerated but I don't even consume any animal product because I feel bad doing so. I see them as important as humans, it's not just "mere sex". I don't call myself a vegan, and I don't relate myself to them because all the vegans I've met are absolutely against this and they clearly don't understand it. Maybe some like I do, but I'm not here to criticize others, really. The point is that I would never have non-consensual and unsafe sex with any animal or anyone. I don't see horses as sex toys or sluts, I respect them and I would never try anything sexual unless they approve it and I'm very sure nothing wrong can happen to her and I if I do it.
It really hurts me how highly respectful me and other people here are to the animals and how pure my relationship with them is when I also have to hide it because in the eyes of everyone else I'm the worst kind of rapist.
Anyway, I'm a virgin, so I can't really prove anything from experiences, but I can be honest regarding what I trully feel. I live in a big city and am still studying and can't afford a living by my own yet so it's impossible for me to engage such relationship, and it will be impossible for a lot more years, which also depresses me (and sometimes frustrates me), not because of the lack of sex, but because I just really enjoy being with these animals the same way some people get depressed when they don't have an special someone in a long time, even if they don't care a lot about sex, it just feels I lack something I can not get from humans. I work at a place with stables and horses though so I know what I feel is true because I can feel it whenever I'm with them and taking care of them, and I'm not even talking about sexuality here. All I'm trying to say is that this is not just a fetish or a kink. I still consider myself very purist, which is extremely ironic considering I'm only into other species, which is considered the least pure thing ever probably. I don't care about labels, I don't care about the "pure" term and the others, I'm just using these words in order to try to make my point as clear as possible. I still find most sex things too vulgar or disturbing for me. As far as I'm concerned, most zoophiles went through a lot of phases and are bisexual and have some fetishes, but I'm really only into unfetishistic straight genital-only sex with a special someone.
So that's pretty much it. Things haven't changed a lot in the last years so my current struggles are lying, hiding a big part about my life to avoid getting my social life ruined, and also feeling the lack of a partner or a "non-human" company.
I'm not seeking any help. You don't have to comfort me or anything, I just feel like venting and I can only do it here. Thank you.
