Jokes

[heavyhorse]

What?!?  Like you ain't seen me nekkid before?




OK, yeah, it's been a long cold winter.  You lose your winter coat, and I'll lose mine..<b>.</b>




 

[Ramseys]

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[threelegs]

"Dad, mom says your balls are bigger than your brain. Is that true?"

[threelegs]

Three guys are drinking at a bar.






After several drinks, the first one gets up to leave. "Where do you think you're going?" ask the others. He says, "Guys I'd love to stay but I have to cut myself off. The last time we got together, I was so drunk. When I got home, I blew chunks right on the living room floor in front of my wife and my in-laws."






"That's nothing," says one of the others. "The last time we got drunk I crashed my car - into a police cruiser! I still don't have my license back."






"You think that's bad?" says the last guy. "I was so drunk that I took my mistress back to my place and forgot my wife was home!"






Just then the first guy interrupts the other two. "Guys, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

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[threelegs]

I'll let someone else caption this.




 

[Ramseys]

1 hour ago, threelegs said:




I'll let someone else caption this.

Well.... When a man and a mare love each other very much....

[threelegs]

Two-fer Tuesday came on a Saturday this week.




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A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"




Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"




Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.




He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand...




The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"




The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

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A young, heavily pregnant woman took a taxi to hospital and asked to be given help, as she was about to have her first child. A nurse escorted her to the maternity ward and on the way asked: “Is the father with you at all?”




The young woman replied: “Actually, I don’t know who the father is.”




“I’m very sorry,” said the nurse. “It’s none of my business – it’s just that it usually helps to have close family around at times like this. Anyway let’s get you a bed and bring this baby into the world.”




Two hours later, the baby boy was born, much to the young mother’s relief. But then she noticed that the nurse looked a little concerned. “What’s the matter?” she cried. “Is my baby okay?”




Holding the baby just out of the mother’s view, the nurse said: “I’m just going to have to take the baby into the next room for some tests, but it’s nothing to be worried about. You just relax, and I’ll be back in a few minutes.”




Twenty minutes later, the nurse returned without the baby. “You’ve given birth to a perfectly healthy baby,” she said, “but there are one or two questions I’d like to ask, particularly concerning the conception. For example, your baby is black.”




Looking slightly embarrassed, the mother said: “Let me explain. At the time I was going through a rough period in my life. I’d lost my job, I couldn’t afford the rent on my apartment, and so I’m ashamed to say I took part in a pornographic film – just for the money – and my co-star was a black man.”




“I can understand that,” said the nurse sympathetically, “but it also appears that your baby has the facial features of an Asian person.”




Blushing visibly, the girl admitted: “Well, there was another man in the film of Asian ethnicity who starred with me.”




The nurse nodded but continued: “And it also seems that your baby has the most startling ginger hair I have ever seen in a newborn child.”




“I’m not altogether surprised,” said the girl, shamefaced. “Another co-star of mine in the film was a red-haired gentleman.” After a pause, she said: “May I see my baby now?” The nurse went out of the room and returned a minute later with the black, Asian, ginger-haired baby. She handed the baby to the young mother, who immediately turned it upside down and smacked it firmly on the butt. The baby cried and the mother held it back in her arms.




Shocked, the nurse demanded: “What did you do that for?”




The girl replied: “Sorry, but I had to check if it barked too.”

[threelegs]

Little Johnny and his dad were walking through the park one day when Johnny noticed two dogs humping. “What are those two dogs doing, Dad?” asked Johnny.




“They’re making puppies,” replied his father.




That evening at home, Johnny was awoken by noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He went to investigate and caught them having sex.




“What are you doing?” he asked.




His father replied: “We’re making you a little brother or sister.”




“Well, can you flip her over?” said Johnny. “Because I’d rather have a puppy.”

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Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm and when they came to the corral, he explained: “That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.”




Shortly afterwards, they saw two horses. Grandpa told Johnny: “That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s serving her, too.”




That night at supper, after everyone was settled and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said: “Will you please serve the turkey?”




Little Johnny jumped up and yelled: “If he does, I’m eating a hamburger!”

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[threelegs]

Little Johnny’s mother decided it was time to sit him down and tell him about the birds and the bees. So she told him all about how babies are created. Afterwards he was uncharacteristically silent.




“Do you understand all the things I’ve told you?” asked his mother.




“Yes, I think so,” said little Johnny.




“Any questions at all?”




“There is one thing. How are kittens and puppies made?”




“In exactly the same way as babies.”




“Wow!” exclaimed little Johnny. “My dad will fuck anything!”

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[threelegs]

DEAL! How much? I'll give you half in advance, and you can choose the lube.




Oh, and we have to stay tied until you're spent.