Jokes

**Hiway** · 08-30-2022, 11:32 AM

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threelegs · 08-31-2022, 07:34 PM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"

W: "Well, as soon as I get up in the morning, I have sex. After sex and breakfast it's off to the these green pastures with an amazing crystal lake.

Thereafter I bathe in the warm sun and have sex a couple more times.

Then I have lunch, you'd be proud - lots of greens.

After lunch, it's back to the pastures again.

Then it's more sex until late at night.

I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

H : "Oh wow! Are you in Heaven?"

W: "No, I'm a goat somewhere in the Middle East ”

Ramseys · 09-01-2022, 04:45 PM

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threelegs · 09-25-2022, 06:45 PM

An old lady lived alone with her dog.

She was cleaning the attic and rubbed a dusty lamp.

Out pops a genie who grants her three wishes: “One,” she said, “I never want to worry about money again. Two, I want to be young and beautiful. Three, I want you to change my best friend, my dog, into a handsome prince.”

Poof! Money appears. Poof! She’s beautiful again. Poof! Her dog becomes a prince.

They kiss and the dog says, “What a pity you had my balls cut off.”

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How do you know when you’re really ugly? Dogs close their eyes when they’re humping your leg.

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A man accidentally shot his duck hunting dog, so he asks his grandpa what’s the most important thing to look for in a duck hunting dog.

Grandpa answers, “A nice tight asshole, otherwise they get all waterlogged.”

So he goes to the kennel and starts shoving his index finger up all the hunting dogs’ assholes.

They were all too loose so he starts to leave when the owner says, “Didn’t find anything you like?”

He explains grandpa’s theory and the owner grabs a dog by the tail, lifts his rear legs off the ground and twists the dog’s balls three turns to the right. “Try it now. I had these set up for quail.”

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threelegs · 09-30-2022, 05:49 PM

A Jehovah’s Witness knocks on the door and it’s answered by Dirty Johnny. He asks, “Is your daddy home?”

“Yes. But he’s out back fucking a goat."

“Doesn’t your mother mind?”

Johnny smiles and says, “Naaaaaaaa.”

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threelegs · 10-03-2022, 03:49 PM

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Bear28 · 10-03-2022, 04:39 PM

Quote:
47 minutes ago, threelegs said:

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Yep that's always the way. Either you have my attention tell me more or what the fuck is wrong with you

heavyhorse · 10-03-2022, 08:20 PM

..... Or applies hand sanitizer to 10-foot-pole....

Ramseys · (This post was last modified: 10-05-2022, 12:44 AM by Ramseys.)

Quote:
On 10/3/2022 at 11:39 AM, Bear28 said:

Yep that's always the way. Either you have my attention tell me more or what the fuck is wrong with you

Spending several years in the circus...

There's not much I haven't done, seen done, or had it explained to me very carefully. [img]<fileStore.core_Emoticons>/emoticons/ohmy.png[/img]/emoticons/[email protected] 2x" title=":o" width="20" />

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Bear28 · 10-06-2022, 01:24 AM

A young man, decided to leave behind the big city and become a sheep herder. His noises complex city life now replaced with months of seclusion in the distant mountains alone with just his thoughts and sheep. In the high mountains he found three older shepherds with their large flock of sheep and asked them to teach them all they knew. The shepherds agreed. and the young man spent the next week with them. One evening by the fire he asked, "So how do you guys get by with no women around here?" Said one of the men, "Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?" The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you…?" The three men only smiled and said nothing. Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable. He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Why not..." He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep, and started to hump her in earnest. Just then the other showed up and seeing him in such a state burst out laughing. "What? What?" the youth shouted. "You told me that what you do yourselves!" "Sure we do. But to choose the ugliest one in the flock!"

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