01-02-2022, 11:23 PM
Okay, a few things ...
First, this is really quite a good setup, and now I want the rest. You've done a good job with setting; I can easily picture the scenes. Characterization seems to be developing well where it's needed; not quite as complete as I'd like it yet, but I don't expect to be disappointed with it ongoing. Dialog seems okay; there isn't much of it yet--same as with characterization.
I like that you're using descriptions of facial expressions and body language to convey characterization. That's actually a quality technique that many new writers don't catch onto right away.
Not bad so far, and you've got my interest.
It's visually strange; every paragraph is four lines long. That sort of thing can just happen, but it makes the overall page look monotonous. Some of this can be fixed easily while simultaneously correcting a dialog problem: you have multiple characters speaking in the same paragraph. Your attributions are in place, so it's not a problem for clarity, but I have a rule with dialog of 'One character per paragraph.' This lets you get away with omitting a bit of attribution here and there while guaranteeing that the reader won't get confused about who's talking. It also tends to insert enough whitespace to make the page look more interesting.
Anyway ... miscellaneous:
* You can emit the quotes around things like, hole in the wall, fresh fish, and good-looking.
* "squoze" should be "squeezed".
* Your punctuation needs a little work, but isn't too bad. Same with capitalization.
I'm looking forward to the rest of it.
