01-24-2019, 03:18 AM
Majority of this is copy/pasted from a post I made on the subreddit a while back, because it still sums everything up quite well and I don't quite have the energy to reword all of it...
I'm non-exclusive, and I'm also polyamorous, which means I can be in love with multiple beings (human or animal, but it's only happened with humans so far) at the same time. I've been in a human relationship before while also being with my animal partner. My ex-girlfriend was also non-exlusive zoo so she knew about my partner and understood. Having a human girlfriend did not affect my love for or dedication to my animal parter at all.
I have always thought that if I have a sexual relationship with an animal partner, then it wouldn't be fair to have a human girlfriend who didn't know. Not fair to the human, I mean. If I was in a relationship with someone and they were also in love with another human or an animal, I'd be very hurt if they didn't tell me. I'm not saying everyone should think that way, but that's how I've always thought about it pertaining to myself and my own relationships. Therein lies the current problem.
I've had romantic feelings for a human for over two years now, so it's not a short term thing like crushes I've had sometimes. I know the feeling is mutual since she's told me. But I haven't told her. I also haven't told her about being zoo, for obvious reasons. I don't think she'd report me to authorities or anything but I'm afraid of losing her friendship if she doesn't accept it. I know she doesn't approve of bestiality so there's not much hope there. We've been best friends for five years and she's my only really close friend right now, so I don't think I could handle losing her friendship. I don't currently have any sexual animal partners, but in the near future I would like to. I don't want to have to keep it secret, both to be fair to her (I'd consider that cheating) and because having that secret found out can be so dangerous. I prefer to be in relationships for the long haul, not something casual and short, so I have to consider the long term.
But I really REALLY love this girl and I just?? Ugh. It's a shitty place to be in because I'm stuck. We'd both like to try out a relationship but I can't do it because I'm too afraid to tell her I'm zoo, because there's so much to lose. I'm not going to "come out" to her, I don't plan on ever coming out to anyone for safety's sake. I'm not asking for advice or anything I guess I just needed somewhere to vent and this isn't the kind of thing I can talk about. I dunno if anyone else here has been in a similar situation but it sucks. It's really affecting my mood and making my depression worse, and I get really bad anxiety thinking about it as well. It's just a shit situation all around and it's really wearing me down after so long. It's just killing me because I have no sexual partners right now, I could be in a human relationship right now and be really happy and fulfilled. But it would really throw a wrench into my future and make everything uncertain.
I had very much come to peace with the fact that I wouldn't have any human partners anymore, just animals. I have plans for the future for show dogs, and a small hobby farm. It took a while to get to that point but I really was 100% okay with not ever having a human partner. I was in a good mental place with it and accepted that I could be happy without one. But then my romantic feelings for this friend kept getting more and more intense, and it just keeps doing that. I keep wanting a future with her in it, too.
I wish I could be monogamous, or only exclusive zoo, just for convenience's sake. This is really messing me up.
