Jokes

[threelegs]

[threelegs]

A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep. His wife looks horrified...

"See? See what I have to bang when you're not in the mood?"




The sheep says "Myyyyyyyy god. You weren't lying..."

[threelegs]

Zoo keeper says to Paddy. "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with it. Would you consider shagging it for $500?




Paddy replies, I will on three conditions: first, I'm not going to kiss it. Second, my family must never know.

Third, I'll need a couple of weeks to get the cash together.

[threelegs]

Little Red Riding Hood was told to look out for the wolf,

so she’s really vigilant; she walks through the forest and she spots an eye through the bush and she says: “I see you Mr Wolf!”




The wolf runs away. She goes deeper in the forest and she spots the wolf’s ears: “I see you Mr. Wolf!”




The wolf runs away, but Little Red Riding Hood goes deeper in the forest and spots one foot: “I see you Mr. Wolf!”




All of a sudden the wolf screams back “Damn it, Little Red Riding Hood, go away! I’m trying to take a shit!”

[threelegs]

A group of friends decide to get together and go on a hunting trip in Georgia to get away for a few days. The arrangements are made and a few days later they are being picked up by their guide 'Bubba' at the airport and off to the hills of Georgia they go.




Bubba decides to hold a little church call before they take off on the hunt. "Now, you city boys be real careful with them thar guns and don't go shooting each other in the foot and don't shoot nothing till I tell ya its all right. Now listen up real good to this here, you see them bunch of Hound dogs over there, well the hound in the front is Old Blue. He leads the hounds on the hunt and is the best hunting hound in the U.S. of A. He is priceless but he got one BIG defect, he was born with a real double strong sex drive and tools to match, so don't be bending over in front of him, or if you have take a dump in the woods you let me and the boys know so we can tie him up with a big rope... O.K. that's it, come on."




About a mile up the road Old Blue and the hounds have treed a big raccoon and everyone is anxious to shoot it.

"Ah, let's let Old Blue have him," hollers Bubba.




"What do mean by that?" all the group reply at the same time.




"Well looky here, I'll show ya." he grabs a long pole out of the back of his pick-up truck and knocks the raccoon out of the tree. As everybody watches in amazement, Old Blue jumps on the raccoon and screws him to death! Well, Bubba throws the coon in the back of the truck and the hunt goes on.




Right away Old Blue and the hounds tree a bobcat, and again Bubba grabs the pole and shouts, "Let Old Blue have him." Old Blue again puts on a spectacular performance and screws the bobcat to death.




By this time the group of hunters are staring in awe at Old Blue, but they are also getting a little irritated at Bubba because they had all paid $500.00 to go on the hunt, and so far, hadn't fired a shot.




Finally Bubba gives in. "O.K. boys, the next thing they tree, yall can shoot it."




Sure enough, a bit further down the road, Old Blue and the crew tree a three-hundred-pound black bear. "O.K., have at him, boys."




Well, the city boys not being very good shots, keep shooting and shooting and the bear keeps climbing higher up the tree. Finally someone gets in a lucky shot and kills the bear but he is stuck between two tree limbs and doesn't fall to the ground.




"Dammit!" Bubba kicks the ground. "Now I gotta climb up there and kick him loose."




Up the tree he goes, but the old bear is stuck pretty good and is really heavy. Bubba gives a real hefty jerk but loses his grip on the bear. With his arms waving wildly trying to gain his balance, he knows he isn't going to make it and he's ground bound. He screams,

"SHOOT OLD BLUE, SHOOT OLD BLUE!!!"




 

[heavyhorse]

Mmm--  Sorry.  Them's the breaks, Bubba....  

[threelegs]

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost..

They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.

"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.




The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door. "I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."




"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."




"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn. A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

[threelegs]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeeez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"




The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."




"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"




"I got every word," says the parrot. "Ask me anything, I'll answer whatever you want."




"Okay," the guy says. "How can you hang onto your perch without any feet?"




"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."




"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"




"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."




The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."




"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"




The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.




"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."




"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.




"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."




"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"




"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.




"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"




"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over ..."




Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"




"Damned if I know ... I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

[threelegs]

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.




One day the farmer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.




When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.




"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."




"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."

[threelegs]

I was looking through some of my old horse mating clips and noticed something I'd missed before ...




Do you think this guy tried for sloppy seconds, or just fapped off behind the barn?