Jokes

[shortleash]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

Man: "Yes!"

Reporter: "Name?"

Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

Reporter: "Sex?"

Man: "Three to five times a week."

Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

Reporter: "Holy cow!"

Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

Reporter: "Oh dear!"

Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

[threelegs]

A man is looking around a pet store, when he comes across an octopus on sale for $10,000.




He asks the store owner why the octopus is so expensive to which the owner replies, “Oh thats no ordinary octopus. He’s special.” He puts a guitar in front of the octopus and the octopus continues get on top of it and use his tentacles to play Stairway to Heaven in its entirety.




The man is dumbfounded and says, “This octopus can play the guitar?”




The store owner replies, “Not just the guitar. He can play any and every instrument known to man,” and proceeds to place a harp in front of it. The octopus plays a beautiful song on the harp, and the man figures he can use this octopus to bet people that his octopus could play any instrument and easily get back his $10,000. He buys the octopus and heads over to the bar.




When he gets to the bar he jumps on top of a table, holding the octopus high above his head, and announces, “I will bet anybody in the bar, any amount of money, that this octopus can play any instrument you set in front of him.”




The bartender rolls out a piano, and says, “I’ll bet you $100 he cant play this.” So the man sets the octopus on the piano, and it plays the Pachelbel’s canon in D perfectly. Impressed, the bartender hands the man a crisp $100 bill.




A drunk man jumps up and yells, “I bet you $5000 he cant play the drums.” The bartender brings out a drumset used for open mic night, and the octopus is sat on the seat, and continues to play an incredible drum solo that leaves everyone in awe.




The bar owner comes up to him and says, “I have an instrument behind the bar, and I'll bet you $10,000 your octopus cant play it.” The man agrees and the bartender pulls out a set of bagpipes. Unbothered he sets the octopus on the bagpipes and waits eagerly. The octopus squirms around the bagpipes, using its tentacles to make some kind of melody. There's a few notes here and there, but no real discernible melody. The octopus continues to roll around and squirm around the bagpipes, when the bar owner shouts excitedly, “I win! He cant play the bagpipes, and you owe me $10,000!”




The man, completely unfazed, replies, “be patient. Once he realizes he can’t fuck it, he’ll play it.”




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Yesterday I was at my local Safeway store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout

line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.




What did she think I had, an elephant? On impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 20 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.




I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well

and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)




Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.




I'm now banned from Safeway.




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[threelegs]

[Ramseys]

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Don't worry, lots of folks didn't get this one either.





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[Hiway]

Oh that.... (the tag in my ear), the farmer likes to keep track of how many times he fucks me per month!!!




 

[threelegs]

16 hours ago, Hiway said:




Oh that.... (the tag in my ear), the farmer likes to keep track of how many times he fucks me per month!!!




 

... and I assume it's the '28' and not the '1034' (?) in the other ear?

[Hiway]

7 hours ago, threelegs said:




... and I assume it's the '28' and not the '1034' (?) in the other ear?

 




 Only the Sheep know for sure...  LOL

[threelegs]

Stop me if you've heard this one before ...




A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.




One day the farmer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.




When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.




"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."




"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."

[Hiway]

On 4/13/2022 at 1:29 PM, threelegs said:




Stop me if you've heard this one before ...




A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.




One day the farmer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.




When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.




"Don't bother competing with that guy," says the other old bull. "You're too old. He'd laugh at you."




"I'm not trying to compete with him," replies the first old bull. "I just want him to know I'm not a cow."

 




Stop... STOP... argh, damn it. Too late!

[heavyhorse]

Well.  At least it's still better than the electrojaculator.......